10/26/2011 10:58 am ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

Halloween (and Being Good, Protective Parents)

I am a Los Angeles mother of two little boys. I started Parenting. Illustrated with Crappy Pictures late one night to avoid going crazy. It seems to be working. And now, I'm on The Huffington Post.

I love Halloween. A lot of people hate Halloween but those people are lame.

One thing I love about it, is that we get to show what good parents we are. And how we'll do anything to protect our kids. That is pretty nifty.

The holiday hasn't happened this year yet, which is unfortunate because this means I can't tell you about it. Because it hasn't happened yet. By the time it does, it will be next week. And then talking about Halloween will be so last week and that is just uncool.

So I'm just going to have to tell you about Halloween last year. Here it goes...

We're in the week leading up to Halloween. We have no costume for Crappy Boy. We can't buy him one either. We can't buy him one because the costumes he wants are not buyable.


When I confirm what it is he wants to be...

It is entirely different each time.

After carefully considering nearly every household object, he finally settles on a fictional character called the Leaf Elf.

I search at store after store, "Do you have the Leaf Elf costume?" and nobody has it in stock! It might be because the Leaf Elf is a fictional character that I made up for a bedtime story. But I think it is because they just don't have much of a selection this close to Halloween.

So I'm stuck making it.


The night before Halloween. Hey, I'm not going to risk making it in advance and then have him change his mind again. No way.

So Halloween arrives!

Isn't Halloween weird? What are we teaching our kids with this holiday?

We're teaching them to disguise themselves, knock on doors demanding things and to accept candy from strangers.

That's cool.
So they go to the very first house, knock and yell "Trick or treat!".

An elderly lady opens the door and puts candy in their bags.

Crappy Boy is already dashing off yelling "Next house!" while Crappy Baby is heading inside the house.

This leaves Crappy Papa and I frozen for a moment, torn between running after the boy yelling "Wait!" who is halfway down the block in search of houses with signs of "Halloween friendliness" and retrieving the baby who is wandering around in the dining room now, looking disappointed by the lack of toys.

After that first house we assign jobs. I'm on house baby retrieval and he is on chasing duty. Things go smoothly.

A few blocks of houses behind us, Crappy Boy says his bag is heavy.

Which means it is time to go home. He is thrilled to go home. We told him he couldn't eat any of the candy until we get home. So home = eat candy.

We get home and pour out the contents. Crappy Papa and I sift through it, weeding out the ones with razor blades and needles, and then give him the rest.


Wide-eyed, he caresses his candy treasure. Gingerly picking up each piece and asking us what it is called.

Eventually, he eats a few.


And he breakdances. For an hour or two.

Once he crashes, we put him to bed.

A long and tiring night behind us, Crappy Papa and I meet up in the kitchen.


Not only do we have all the candy that Crappy Boy collected, but we also have all the candy that Crappy Baby collected. And he doesn't eat candy.

Would you say we have a plethora of candy?

Oh yes, we have a plethora.


Now, I've tried those "you can trade your candy for a toy" offers and Crappy Boy does not fall for it. I am not going to just take it away either.

But I really don't think he needs all of it. Especially multiples of the same thing.


Fortunately, being good parents and all, we've found a way to protect our son from the evils of too much candy.

Because some candy he just should not eat.



Oh, the things we do to protect our children...

Have a Happy Halloween!