04/24/2014 06:37 pm ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

What Will the Mad Men Characters Be Wearing in the 80s?


Unfortunately, the world hasn't caught on yet that the times... they are a changin' (and have been for quite a while) on everyone's favorite swingin' 60s show. The polished look of supreme sophistication from the early 60s that seems like it was so long ago is even outdated on the show now as they are now in 1969, and fans who are still dutifully slicking side parts, wearing skinny ties and cardigans haven't embraced it as they think they are setting trends. But are we really ready for plaid bell-bottoms and platforms? I can see some hipsters in Greenpoint jumping to match those styles with their ironic facial hair (some already have). But, as for the rest of the world, I see us heading in a more power-suited way of dressing. 80s fashions are going to be making a big comeback -- shoulder pads, double breasted suits, pleated pants, suspenders, and all things Wolf of Wall Street and Dynasty.

So, of course, that begs the very important question... What would the Mad Men and women look like by the time the 80s rolled around?



Joan will really take this decade's fashion and run with it. After being stifled by the skinny-girl styles of the late 60s and 70s, the 80s would once again embrace the "curves" that our annoying politically-correct world seems to be so enamored with. By then, she would hopefully helm her own company so she can happily boss everyone around and do so in enormous shoulder pads and over the top power suits that would make Joan Collins green with envy.

Beyond Noland Miller, she would also binge on Hermes, Claude Montana, Armani and Escada and her usual tub of Ben and Jerry's so she can keep that "curvy" figure that everyone finds so amazing.



By this time, Roger would really be no spring chicken. Mid-80s, he would already be at least a 70-year-old man and that's if he makes it. Judging by the lifestyle he's been leading, if he does get that far, there's a very good chance that he could be more fried than an egg.

Luckily, he has that trust fund to fall back on, good contacts and he always seems to land on his feet. Knowing him, he would probably be one of the first investors in something like Apple and become the multi-zillionaire he was born to be. He would wind up living in boat shoes, logo sweaters and Ralph Lauren garb as he sneaks off at the country club for an extra hit of weed.



Unfortunately, even though January Jones is the best looking girl to have ever entered the Mad Men universe, Matthew Weiner has, for the most part, been pretty insistent on refusing to let us see that.

Whether she had been pregnant, in a fat suit, or just acting like an old shrew, she has remained sexless and annoying instead of the perfect specimen she truly is. Undoubtedly, things wouldn't change if we were to get a peek into the future. Weiner would still be trying to sell us on how Joan was the sexy one and Megan was the beautiful one and Betty was the boring one.

That said, it seems obvious that Betty would quickly fall into the habit of being of those women in the 80s who came into her 50s but looked like she was in her 90s. She would embrace grandma-hood with gusto and own it, looking completely sexless as she quickly started to morph into a Golden Girl.

She'd sport huge helmut hair, tweed Chanel day suits, Victorian ruffles and sparkly, beaded mother-of-the-bride gowns with shoulder pads that would help protect a football player. She would basically be like one of those women that looked like she came to life from an old oil painting.



After a long time of rebellion, a hippie phase throughout the 70s, followed by a punk rocker phase in the late 70s and early 80s, by about 1982-1983, Sally would be old enough to just accept her destiny as a spoiled Park Avenue princess and become her mother.

She would wind up living in those "girl-housing" apartments from the 80s that her mommy and daddy pay for and become the premiere yuppie-bitch of the upper-east side. If possible, she can become more annoying and snot-nosed than she is now.

Picture a lot of calf-length skirts, charcoal blazers, broaches, scholastic sweaters and dainty blouses as she prances around the city self-righteously and tells everyone what they're doing wrong.


Let me make this clear -- I really don't want to believe that Megan would win an Oscar. However, due to Matthew Weiner's apparent adoration of the character and his also apparent lack of care for the hatred the fans have for her (it's almost like it amuses him), it seems fitting she would come out on top. Not that I hate her -- I think it's ridiculous fans have such an aversion to her. But, fans also hated Betty before she was divorced from Don. Basically, fans of Mad Men just want to root for Don Draper to be an adulterer.

Anyway, Megan would be in her 40s by this time, and if her career was still on the rise she would be one of those actresses who would be insistent on showing the world that she's "still got it" with the latest fashions and pretty party dresses.

You can foresee a lot of Vivienne Westwood and Emanuel Ungaro for her, along with tons of big origami gowns, cocktail gloves and enormous bow adornments everywhere. She'd be one of those people who wouldn't really get that she wasn't 25 anymore.



I think Ken will come a long way once the 80s hits. After paying his dues for what seems like forever, he's one of the few that remained likable and kept up with tons of good contacts. When it comes time to investing, he has a good chance of making out well and ending up on top, and learning how to dress for success.

Ken Cosgrove was always the stud of the office (I have no idea why everyone made such a big deal out of Don.) It might have taken him a while, but by his 50s he would be shining bright in perfect Armani suits and a slicked back haircut that would make Patrick Bateman so jealous he would want to put him in a duffel bag -- a Jean Paul Gaultier one.


I think Pete's Californian look works for him. Let's face it -- happy, bagel eatin' Pete is a nice, refreshing change. Sure, it's kind of obvious to see who Matthew Weiner loves (Megan, Sally, Joan) and who he hates (Betty, Pete, Peggy) based on screen time, character favorability and what horrendous things he makes them do to their appearance. But, if Pete has to live with the extra weight and insanely ugly hairline, he might as well do it with a little extra color and a sweater tied around his neck. He could be one of those Californians that take up jogging and wear a colorful track suit everywhere. By then, he would hopefully be fully bald (because it really can't possibly look any worse) and maybe he can bring in some sneaker companies as clients. "Just Do it!"


I think the 80s could be Peggy's time to shine. After struggling all through the 60s, I really don't see the 70s being much better for her. Too much of a fighting time and she has a lot to prove. The 80s are really her window.

She could settle down in a career where she would finally be on top, and start dressing like Ally Sheedy in St. Elmo's Fire. Maybe even look up the kid she gave up for adoption. Maybe now she could finally find time for a man in her life now that times have changed and she's more comfortable in the workplace. I can even see Peggy working for television. The sky's the limit for Pegs! She can even drop the nickname Peggy and start going by Margaret! Marge? Margie? Okay, so there's no winning with that name, but, whatever! The 80s will totally be her time to shine!


Don will go on being the most unchanged, un-evolved character of all time. He will consistently have a boring storyline of "will he or won't he cheat", which has somehow mesmerized audiences in the golden age of television for seven years, and moan about his even more boring back-story that no one he tells seems to care about.

For such a "man's man", he's really such a cry baby.