06/04/2010 08:52 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

Broken Oil Pipe Same Diameter as Justin Bieber

GULF OF MEXICO (The Borowitz Report) -- In what may be the most positive news to date since the onset of the oil spill crisis, images taken by robotic underwater cameras revealed today that the broken oil pipe is the exact diameter of tween singing sensation Justin Bieber.

As news spread that Mr. Bieber was an exact fit for the broken pipe, a sense of elation quickly spread from the Gulf of Mexico around the world.

"It's clear what needs to be done now," said a BP spokesman. "There's no other way to describe this but a huge win-win." More here.

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