12/02/2009 11:42 pm ET Updated May 25, 2011

First Draft of Tiger's Official Statement Leaked

ORLANDO ( The Borowitz Report has obtained the first draft of Tiger Woods' official statement regarding his recent woes:

To my fans:

I am writing to set the record straight about a number of rumors that have been spread about me, my actions, and my character.

Prior to last weekend, many of you knew me as a straight-arrow, a solid citizen, and a squeaky-clean sportsman with an unblemished record of exemplary behavior.

In point of fact, however, the Tiger Woods you thought you knew is actually a nonstop fucking machine.

Now, when I say "nonstop," I'm not using a figure of speech. In fact, if you took a cross-section of my brain, you'd see that half of it was devoted to golf and the other half to nailing slutty nightclub hostesses. And the second half is by far the bigger half.

I don't want to exaggerate, but if you have a vagina and I somehow haven't found it yet, that's what Malcolm Gladwell would call an outlier.

Why, you might ask, am I telling you all this, and at this time? The answer is simple: if you haven't done so already, please take your name off your voicemail. My wife might try to call you. If you don't believe me, check out the gynormous hashtag she scratched into my face.

In closing, I ask all of you for your patience, your forgiveness, but most of all, your pussy. More here.