12/01/2010 09:58 pm ET Updated May 25, 2011

Interpol: We Will Find Julian Assange, and Then We Will Hire Him

LYON (The Borowitz Report) -- The head of Interpol was resolute today about his organization's pursuit of missing WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange, telling reporters, "We will find Julian Assange, and then we will hire him."

Interpol's decision to offer employment to the scourge of international diplomacy raised more than a few eyebrows at the Interpol press conference, but according to Interpol chief Jean-Louis Perdu, it makes perfect sense.

"As we were racking our brains trying to find Julian Assange, we realized: You know who we could use around here? Someone like Julian Assange, who understands, how you say, the computer devices," Perdu said.

The Interpol chief said that Mr. Assange's inclusion on Interpol's "Most Wanted" list was an understatement: "We don't just want him -- we need him. Badly. Merde!"

Perdu said that if Interpol does locate Mr. Assange, it intends to offer him a generous employment package, with benefits.

"I would very much like to tell Mr. Assange about our dental plan -- that is, if he hasn't already downloaded it," he said. More here.

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