The following is a forecast of next week's news, for the week of Monday, May 7:
Monday, May 7: After succeeding in his bid to take over Dow Jones, Rupert Murdoch will reduce the size of The Wall Street Journal by removing the facts.
Tuesday, May 8: Consumer activist Ralph Nader will announce that he is actively considering fucking up the 2008 presidential election. Mr. Nader's announcement will include this caveat: "I will only enter the race if I can really fuck it up."
Wednesday, May 9: A new study will show that white people are more likely to have heart disease, but are less likely to be pulled over by the police.
Thursday, May 10: The Bureau of Labor Statistics will report that the number of unemployed people in the U.S. increased by one, due to the visit of Queen Elizabeth II.
Friday, May 11: Vice President Dick Cheney will send former CIA director George Tenet a "Stop Snitchin'" T-shirt.
Saturday, May 12: Hillary Clinton will propose building a seven-foot fence around her supporters to keep them from defecting to Barack Obama.
Sunday, May 13: Responding to criticism, The National Gardening Association will discontinue the use of the word "hoe."
Andy Borowitz is a comedian and writer whose work appears in The New Yorker and The New York Times, and at his award-winning humor site, BorowitzReport.com. He appears at Caroline's on Broadway in "Next Week's News" with Amy Sedaris on May 24. For tickets go to carolines.com.