Facing ten felony counts after his ill-fated attempt to acquire sports memorabilia, O.J. Simpson announced today that he would attempt to reassemble the jury that found him not guilty in his 1995 murder trial.
Speaking to reporters in Las Vegas, the former football star said he would "spare no offense" to find the twelve jurors who set him free twelve years ago.
"This current case is a very complicated once - maybe even trickier than my murder trial," Mr. Simpson told reporters. "It's important that we have a jury that really knows what they're doing."
Mr. Simpson acknowledged that it might be difficult to locate all twelve of the jurors who found him innocent in 1995, but indicated that "all the time and the effort in the world" was worth it.
"Look, I've spent the last twelve years looking for my wife's real killers," he said. "I can use some of that energy to look for those jurors."
Mr. Simpson said that in his new trial he would attempt to rekindle nostalgic feelings among the jurors by wearing the same suit he wore during the 1995 proceedings, adding, "If the suit does fit, they must acquit."
When asked what he plans to do if it proves impossible to reconstitute his 1995 jury, he said, "I'll settle for Phil Spector's."
As for his current scrape with the law, Mr. Simpson told reporters that he had already learned a valuable lesson: "Next time I want sports memorabilia, I'm going on eBay."
Elsewhere, Starbucks said it will give away 50 million free digital songs to its customers, but in keeping with Starbucks tradition, they will not be the songs the customers ordered.
Andy Borowitz is a comedian and writer whose work appears in The New Yorker and The New York Times, and at his award-winning humor site, BorowitzReport.com. He appears with Alec Baldwin, Arianna Huffington and Mo Rocca at the 92nd Street Y in NYC on Wednesday Nov 7 at 8 PM. For tickets go to 92y.org.