11/25/2009 03:31 pm ET Updated May 25, 2011

Palin Issues Thankfulnesses List

WASILLA (The Borowitz Report): One day before Thanksgiving, Former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin today issued the following "thankfulnesses list":

This being my list of the thankfulnesses I'm tapping into this year...

I have thankfulness that we have a President who is learning to celebrate our American holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas also, even though he didn't have either of those days when he was growing up in Kenya.

I have thankfulness that we live in a country where we have the freedom to speak, even though Todd has never done so actually.

I have thankfulness that little Falcon was found safe and sound in that box, being that I was worried sick about him flying around in that balloon.

I have thankfulness for all of those Jewish settlements on the West Bank, seeing that Jewish people will be flocking to the Holy Land to celebrate Thanksgiving.

I have thankfulness also for the new drapes I installed in my house to keep the Russians from peeping in.

I have thankfulness that Levi posed in Playgirl, and I'm sure all the gay men who read Playgirl have thankfulness for that also.

I have thankfulness also that Levi's mom has been put in prison so I don't have to worry about her selling drugs to Willow or Piper.

And finally, I have thankfulness for all of the good people who read my book, and for the person who wrote it also. More here.

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