NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) - With Tiger Woods' much-anticipated press conference set for Friday morning, thousands of the golf legend's mistresses converged on Yankee Stadium to watch the proceedings on the stadium's giant Jumbotron.
Traffic snarled for miles as the vehicles filled with cocktail waitresses, restaurant hostesses and Playboy models clogged the streets leading to the storied baseball venue.
New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg called the gathering "a first-class headache" and said that he regretted authorizing it.
"You have thousands of angry women in one place, anything can happen," he said. "I never thought I'd say this, but I'd rather host Khalid Sheikh Mohammed."
Shandi Shanoyne, a former Tiger mistress and thong publicist who organized the Yankee Stadium event, said that the thousands of women at the gathering were anxious to hear what Mr. Woods has to say.
"A lot of us have been waiting for months for him to text us back," she said.
Elsewhere, the winner of this year's Westminster Dog Show, Sadie the Scottish Terrier, received a trophy and permission to bite Michael Vick.
LIVE ONLINE EVENT WITH ANDY BOROWITZ AND TIGER WOODS: Join Andy online as he live-tweets Tiger's press conference Friday morning at 11 ET. If you're not already following Andy on Twitter, sign up for free here.