02/04/2010 12:16 pm ET Updated May 25, 2011

Toyota Says Cup Holders Still Working Great

TOKYO (The Borowitz Report) - Embattled automaker Toyota today said that despite problems with accelerators and brakes, the cup holders on its most popular car models were "perfectly safe to use."

"Feel free to enjoy the beverage of your choice and know that you can rest it in one of our cup holders with confidence," said Tokyo spokesman Hiroshi Kyosuke. "Our cup holders are world-class."

But Mr. Kyosuke's upbeat comments about Toyota's cup holders were undercut somewhat later in the day by congressional testimony from Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood.

"You should only feel safe to use your cup holder if your Toyota is parked in your driveway," Mr. LaHood said. "At 80 miles per hour, the cup holder becomes a rocket launcher."

Toyota's stock plunged 17 percent on the Transportation Secretary's remarks, prompting him to issue the following statement: "Opposite of what I said." More here.