02/04/2013 03:50 pm ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

I Can't Wait To Win My First Oscar

The nearest I've come to the Academy Awards is when my friend Leo Leigh went there with his dad Mike in 2008. His movie Happy-Go-Lucky was nominated for Best Original Screenplay, but it didn't win.

I love Leo like a brother, but he is a grouchy sort from North London and his main comment on the affair was that he was a bit disappointed with the food at the ceremony. He also borderline libeled a large swathe of the Hollywood A-list and seemed aggrieved about the poor quality of the furniture.

A couple of years later, Leo and I made a film called Swansea Love Story and we were nominated for a Webby Award. We didn't win, but we got close.

Then a film I made with VICE founder Shane Smith called The VICE Guide To Liberia was nominated for a Webby. It won! It was a great moment. The only time before this I'd actually won anything in my whole life was at a sports day, aged 10, and that was only because the guy who came first in the race had cheated. And so that first Webby award was a real heart-warmer.

When you work with web-based content, your fans or critics come mainly from the Facebook "Like" button or from the shadowy comments section trolls who say things like: "You are evil and your film gave me diarrhea"; "Stick to the DOs & DON'Ts and / or kill yourself"; "Your mother is a dog and you are human garbage!"

So having an actual committee of people deciding your thing is a good piece of work is a great feeling, which gives you more impetus to make your next project even better. I've never been a Grumpy Gus who thinks awards are irrelevant. I love the sound of people cheering too much.

And so my nose is wide open for any awards that my new films REINCARNATED and Lil Bub & Friendz, may receive. Lil Bub & Friendz is the heart warming story of the world's most famous internet cat and REINCARNATED is the story of Snoop Dogg's making of his latest album in Jamaica and his decision to change his name to Snoop Lion.

We had REINCARNATED premiere at the Toronto International Film Festival last year and it was the first time I had ever walked the red carpet with multiple flash bulbs go off on me while standing next to a real deal famous person (Snoop). As I lurked in the back of the screening rooms watching the audience, they all laughed and cried in the right parts and while I thought, "Man, watching these people love this movie is better than any award a guy could get," I was lying to myself.

REINCARNATED opens in 14 theaters in America and the UK starting on March 15, which qualifies us for an Oscar for Best Documentary, so I've already started making plans for next year's ceremony.

I will employ an intern from the office to go around all the different tables and steal the free Audemar Piguets from the goodie bags that I'm sure they leave on the chairs with people's names on. True story: my ex-girlfriend use to work for an unnamed celebrity who ordered her to do the same thing. I cannot give away any details about his identity except to say that he's the main guitarist in Led Zeppelin.

My acceptance speech for Best Documentary will be commanding, disarming, hilarious and deeply moving. There will be a wry nod at the haters who've tried to derail my cinematic efforts but, in all, I'll use the international platform that the Academy Awards have graciously bestowed on me to spread a message of peace, love, unity, and hopefully say a couple of things that will instantly quell a bit of conflict in the Middle East.

I want to waltz into umpteen after-show parties and be offered platters of swan neck sushi while Brad Pitt walks past me, reeking of Chanel cologne. In between high-fiving Robert De Niro, who has been waiting patiently to talk to me for a few minutes while I'm signing all the autographs for underprivileged children, Brad will suddenly realize that he is in my presence and his face will instantly change. A look of awe and total respect will transform his countenance upon recognizing me. It will be embarrassing for Kathryn Bigelow as she reaches out her hand to greet Brad, but he blanks her completely in order to bring up the possibility of us working together on his next important project. Mark Wahlberg will give me a playful punch in the arm, which will actually hurt quite a bit, but I'll take it all in my stride.

I am also totally open to being corrupted by the Hollywood system and will take bribes / join dubious religious / political societies if need be.

Anything for the glory. Anything for those flash bulbs. Anything for Quentin Tarantino to add me on Instagram.

FYI Django Unchained should totally win best picture and Zero Dark Thirty should win something too, if only for those shots of the helicopters gliding over the dark mountains of Pakistan.

See you guys on the red carpet! I promise not to get too carried away by it all!