12/27/2012 12:41 pm ET Updated Feb 26, 2013

Give Teachers Guns So They Can Finally Kill the Bad Guys [Play Your Michael Bay Film Score Now]

Give teachers guns? As the son of a teacher, the nephew of a teacher, the grandson of a teacher, the grandnephew of teachers, the cousin of teachers, and the friend of teachers, I find it so touching that people all of a sudden want to provide teachers with supplies.

Ah, who are we kidding, teachers, you'll have to buy the guns yourselves, and pay for your training, and buy the license. And then every year or so you'll have to take more classes to stay a sharp shooter. And since a lot of high school students could overpower your average teacher, you should probably add some hand-to-hand self defense classes in there.

What was that style Bruce Lee developed? Oh yeah, Jeet Kune Do. Awesome. Do that one. You can just practice during your prep hours.

Bruce Lee's son died in a gun accident on a movie set, but I'm sure that won't happen in your classroom. Your classroom isn't a movie set. Well, not until some gun-toting lunatic barges in, in a slow motion climax after about two hours and a classic three act structure, scored by whatever composer Michael Bay uses for his films, and probably while he eats breakfast, and does his laundry, and sits on the toilet.

Then your hundreds of hours of gun and combat training will kick in, making you basically a living, breathing deadly weapon. Kind of like The Crow, that character that Bruce Lee's son played. It was a decent flick, but everyone dies at the end. Sorry, if I ruined that for you.

Anyhoo, since teachers only work like two to three hours a day and have a 14 month summer vacation, there's plenty of time for training. And I don't know a problem in this world that can't be solved by a good combat seminar.