08/02/2013 12:59 pm ET Updated Oct 02, 2013

Child Stats That Aren't Being Helped By Children Alley-Ooping Into Pools


It's August, pool-use is in full swing, and what seems like one of the hottest summers on record is nearly over. But you know what isn't? Childhood obesity. Poverty. Low reading scores. Low math scores, low science scores, etc.

Sorry, I'm being kind of a killjoy. I shouldn't be trying to crap all over a great summer. I should be out alley-ooping in a pool somewhere with seven to ten other friends. One friend on a trampoline, one flying down a water slide, maybe two guys just high-fiving in the corner while we all rock out to Blurred Lines.

Okay, how about we compromise? I'll still throw out some disturbing statistics about the welfare of American children, but I'll punctuate them with some sweet ass alley-ooping pool dunks! Gooooooooo TEAM!

As recently as 2011, 16.7 MILLION children lived in food insecure households.

Now, throw down that bad ass slam-a-jamma!

And yet, nearly 32 percent of American children are overweight or obese.

Maybe they should borrow money from their parents and get a sweet pool for some crazy BOOM SHAKALAKAS!

Except that 22 percent of all American children live below the poverty level.

So they probably won't be able to afford a pool to throw down their epic b-ball skillz-with-a-Z!

With many overweight or in poverty, perhaps we shouldn't be surprised that nearly one-third of American children between the ages of 4 and 19 eat fast food EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

They need to work off the calories by driving the pool lane y'all!

However, they're likely not reading about food nutrition or ... well, much of anything, if the four-decade low 2012 SAT reading scores are any indication. 57 percent of the American students did not score high enough to meet basic college reading standards.

But who cares about college when you can enter the workforce as the AMAZEBALLS ADMIRAL OF AQUATIC ALLEY-OOP ACTION!

Except that even college graduates aren't entering the workforce. About 44 percent of recent college graduates are unemployed or underemployed.

Sorry, that's bleak and depressing... STUFF IT HOME, GUYS!