05/29/2010 05:12 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

Excerpt From Sean Hannity's New Book, Check Out the Rack On Freedom, Damn I'd Do Liberating Things to That

Conservative pundit and freedomologist Sean Hannity has a new book coming out this week. Hannity is the author of such bestsellers as Deliver Us From Evil, Let Freedom Ring, and Freedom Times Infinity Plus One!

Here now is an excerpt from Hannity's new novel, Check Out the Rack On Freedom: Damn I'd Do Liberating Things to That.

Freedom entered The Trickle Down where I was already on my third gin and tonic. She wore a slim red dress, white shoes, and carried with her a blue clutch purse. Her breasts heaved over the neckline, like waves over the bow of Washington's boat as he crossed the Delaware. She had the body I always imagined Lady Liberty had beneath that flowing gown.

"Boy that's one cherry tree I'd like to chop, if you know what I mean," said the bartender.

She took a seat, alone, at the end. She was majestic, like an eagle perched on Jefferson's Mount Rushmore nose. There's no doubt in my mind that with a single visit to the South Dakotan monument, she could make four granite penises sprout up instantly, probably killing many tourists - patriots - in the process.

I rose from my stool and walked to her, genuflecting at every American flag I passed. The air was thick with smoke but it felt good to breath in, because when my insurance company drops me because of the health problems I develop, it just means I'll go to American Heaven that much sooner.

Unlike life-saving surgeries under universal health care, there was no ten-year waiting list for Freedom. She was wide open, like the fruited plain, or Ann Coulter's chest cavity.

"Hello there," I said.

She turned her head to see me, got an initial estimate of "the goods," then put down the Ayn Rand novel she was reading.

"Well, hello," she said. "Would you care to join me?"

"That depends," I said. "How do you feel about Obama becoming president?"

She smiled. "I didn't know you could be president without having been born in this country."

Easy, Sean. Stay cool. "What do you do?" I asked, my heart all a-flutter.

"I own a company that builds water boards," she said. "Well, and on the weekends I patrol the border."

"You're employed by the border patrol?"

"Nope," she said.

A choir of angels blasted in my ears! This rush of ecstasy must have been what God felt when he invented personal responsibility! I was in love. And by in love, I mean, marrying this girl would put me into an improved tax bracket.

We finished our drinks and then decided to go for a walk, again making the sign of the cross before passing the American flag at the door.

It was a beautiful night. We walked along the beach front, and she suggested that we go skinny dipping. This was of course a joke, since nudity is both shameful and illegal, and the pollution in the water could start our skin on fire. But what better way to go out than the hot fires of American, free market capitalism? We both laughed.

On the way back to her apartment, a homeless man approached us and asked for money. Freedom surprised me by reaching into her purse. I was however relieved when she handed the man the classifieds. We both laughed.

We entered the militia-guarded apartment complex at the corner of Choose Life Street and Defense Spending Avenue. Freedom led me up to her place.

She removed the shoulder strapped gun holster she had been wearing all night, then lit the fireplace. Hanging above her mantle was a painting of Ronald Reagan as a child being held by the Virgin Mary. Reagan's baby eyes followed you wherever you went.

Fortunately, that didn't include the bedroom, where we were about to showcase our own version of Cap and Trade...