03/29/2012 02:47 pm ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

The GOP Field Guide to Women's Bodies

And it continues.

Despite being birthed by a woman, spending puberty developing a minor case of carpal tunnel fantasizing about women, spending all of college trying to get laid by women -- despite all these things, the GOP's beliefs about women and their bodies are not much more reasonable than a full blown belief in magic.

Did you know that a woman's menstrual cycle coordinates precisely with points of the seasonal harvests, and that making women run circles around your crops while they're ovulating will guarantee -- GUARANTEE! -- a better crop than the previous year's? Oh, you didn't? Well, that's because it's horse shit. Like the kind of horse shit a non-magical person would use to fertilize their crops in the real world.

So I guess I should not have been surprised when an inside source at the GOP emailed me this official GOP Field Guide to Women's Bodies.


Please, enjoy -- or rather, be frightened by -- these excerpts...

  • When an abundance of nag particles collect in the female brain, it causes what modern GOP scientists refer to as brain fever. Symptoms include sadness, happiness, and opinions.
  • The most current literature ages a female by the rings within her legs, usually determined by the amount of time spent on her feet in her husband's kitchen.
  • The female stomach is sustained by the act and mere sight of preparing food for others.
  • The acts of sweeping, mopping, and vacuuming are how a woman's body regenerates its protective Pledge-based coating.
  • As they walk, the female legs rub together, creating a sound that only other females can hear -- at least that's what they tell GOP scientists in their simple language. Here's a sample... "Va-mopping va-hormones va-crying va-period." That's a common greeting which roughly translates to, "How may I serve you?"
  • When they die, women wilt and decompose in a matter of hours. Their last bit of energy is used to send a signal to a replacement woman, who arrives -- dustpan in hand -- to clean up her predecessor. Hopefully, before her husband comes home to see the mess!
  • Every four years or so, a woman sheds her skin making a new, more pliable dermis for the next four years of baby making. A normal female should give birth roughly 20 times in that 4 year span.
  • A woman's arms work like hydraulic lifts, able to carry 50 times her own weight in babies or Scots scrub pads.
  • Despite thousands of attempts, millions of research dollars, at the cost of many women's lives, scientists have been unable to recreate the act of a woman paying a bill, opening a door, or killing a spider. It isn't clear whether this is due to female physiology or simply counter to their evolutionary instincts.
  • Park rangers ask that you never corner a woman as her tears contain the acidity equal to a common car battery. And women will defend themselves aggressively using bags of their recently purchased goods from Marshall's or TJ Maxx. Are there shoes in that bag or cooking knives? You're playing retail roulette!
  • Some GOP scientists theorize that early human women came to Earth on an asteroid, and that the asteroid, rather than putting up with the constant nagging to ask for directions throughout the galaxy, opted instead to crash into a planet.
  • Every time women use some sort of birth control, Satan can afford to add another floor to his underworld palace. Experts predict that allowing approximately 10 more Sandra Flukes would allow Satan to break ground and enslave the world.
  • God never used birth control and he fathered Jesus, who is also God. Imagine if God used birth control. Jesus would never have existed. And neither would God. He would have aborted himself! ... DUM DUM DUM!

Dumb, indeed.