01/08/2013 04:30 pm ET Updated Mar 10, 2013

Making Our Relationship With the Earth Work in the New Year

It's funny to me that there are still people who live on this planet and don't think that they affect it. Logically, it's impossible. Everything we do affects the Earth. With 2012 now in the past, this might be a good opportunity for Earthlings to think long and hard about their relationship with the Earth and what a new year could bring. I mean, Earth was kind enough not to swallow us whole on December 21st, so maybe there's a deal that can be worked out here.

It's not like you have to be a hippie. This isn't about living in a house made of recycled bottles or recycled Romney/Ryan 2012 merch or recycled bras. Though, a house made out of recycled bras does sound awesome. "Which ones are the supports?" Ah, I kid.

But seriously, making your relationship with the Earth work is not difficult. It begins with simple things...

  • Recycle
  • Drive less if you can
  • Conserve water
  • Support green technology

Then there are things that require a little extra effort...

  • Don't embarrass the Earth in front of guests. Remember that party when you and the Earth were on the same Pictionary team and you called the Earth stupid because he couldn't get the word "sorrow"? That's a tough Pictionary word, give the Earth a break. Maybe your drawing just wasn't very good or expressive enough.
  • When the Earth has a little skid mark on its underwear, don't make it a big deal. Maybe the Earth is very self-conscious about it.
  • If the Earth wakes up in the morning and there are flakes on the pillow case, bring the issue up tactfully. Earth is using the Selsun Blue you bought it -- what do you want the Earth to do? Earth told you not to buy dark-colored sheets and pillow cases. Earth wanted white. And now you know why.
  • Sometimes Earth just wants to sleep in on Saturday. It's not that the Earth doesn't want to spend time with you, Earth has had a long five rotations and Earth wants some Earth-time to relax. Earth will go with you to Ikea next Saturday.
  • Earth knows the dishes in the dishwasher are clean and ready to be put back in the cupboard. Earth doesn't need to be reminded. And Earth will put them away, just not right now. And when Earth finally goes to do it - which Earth said it would - and you've already put them away, that makes Earth feel even worse.
  • Why is it that Earth is always there for your family get-togethers, but when Earth Day or Arbor Day come around, you're busy? It makes the Earth think it's not important to you. But you watched that Mars rover landing video all day. And when Earth knocked on your computer room door, you yelled, "Just a minute!" You sounded oddly panicked.
  • Earth gets really tired of your mother calling and complaining about her flowers not coming in the way she wants. You know what? Maybe your mother just isn't a very good gardener! There, Earth said it!
  • When you use telescopes to check out other planets, Earth gets a little jealous. Earth understands that it's probably just platonic (or Plutonic?), but when you run off at night with your telescope... Earth doesn't know, it feels suspicious. Honestly, Earth doesn't care that you're up all night on those astronomy websites -- yeah, Earth knows about those. Just be honest about it. Earth gets it, we've been together for tens of thousands of years, and things can get boring. Listen, the grass is always greener on the other side, right? Except that Mars doesn't even have grass, which is what Earth doesn't understand. Okay, Mars has a slimmer figure and is a little bit cooler, but Earth supports you and your whole family. That has to count for something. Is it because Mars has the Solar System's largest known volcano? You know, size isn't everything. Sometimes it's the motion of the oceans. Oh, Mars has no oceans? Okay then. ... Do you still find Earth attractive? You say yes, but then why are you building all these rockets and stuff to leave Earth? Earth has been working out. See all these pounds melting? Earth just has a few more million feet of caps to lose and Earth will be down to its college figure!
  • Earth doesn't really appreciate the way you've been cutting its rainforest. Earth said it would try trimming it once just to see how it looked and to please you, but Earth isn't sure about it anymore. Earth really doesn't get the appeal. Seems to be more trouble then it's worth. It makes Earth feel naked and (because of the lost ability to clear the air and create clean oxygen) a little dirty.
  • Earth knows it had a violent past, and appreciates that you're still with Earth despite that. But the volcanic ash is gone, and Earth has cleaned up. Earth has been good to you. And sometimes when you bring up its past, Earth thinks you're being malicious or trying to make Earth feel guilty. Earth has changed, and continues to change, but its past made Earth what it is today. The Earth isn't perfect and the Earth needs you to do your part in helping it avoid reliving its violent past.
  • Earth knows it hasn't "put a ring on it" like Saturn or Uranus but Earth just isn't there yet. What? No, of course Earth wants to marry you. Someday. But those rings cost like two months salary! And do you really want a debris field around Earth - that's basically what those rings are. Earth got you a moon! Mars has 2 moons? ... What the hell is that supposed to mean? Well, then why don't you and your rover just blast off to Mars! I'm sure you and Mars will be very happy together!