03/27/2012 05:35 pm ET Updated May 27, 2012

Three Soda Criticisms That, By Science's Reasoning, Will Actually Make Me a Manly Superhero

I recently read this story about the dangers of drinking soda and it made me consider my own mortality, given the amount of soda I've consumed in my lifetime. I've cut back a lot in recent years, but now I may get back on the wagon. For the sake of humanity, if anything.

#1 Soda Fattens Up Your Organs

Hear that guys? Feeling a little less than a man down there? Drink soda and your organs will get bigger. Listen, this is science. Science says my penis is an organ. Science says drinking soda will increase the size of my organs. Ipso facto, I love science. And now soda, too.

#2 Soda Contains Flame Retardants

Awesome! So what you're saying is, not only should firefighters drink plenty of soda, but that I should also drink plenty of soda and race into burning buildings to assist them, thereby making myself some sort of manly vigilante superhero? I'll do it!

#3 Drinking Soda Makes You A Lab Rat

The argument here is that genetically engineered ingredients have only been in our systems since the 1990s, and we don't know what harmful effects they will have on our bodies in the long term. So we may be creating degenerative diseases, or... we may become like the X-Men, a team of fighting mutant superheroes, gifted with powers and abilities! Large breasts for the women, strong jaw lines for the men, and all of us in perfect physical condition thanks to soda! Sweet, sweet soda!

Go, soda!