02/04/2013 12:29 pm ET Updated Apr 06, 2013

The Cover Letter That Will Guarantee You an Interview

Well, the new year is off and rolling. And with that comes the urge for change, to one-up the last year with bigger and better goals. Sometimes it's getting in shape, sometimes it's starting up new relationships, and sometimes it's searching for that Holy Grail job that has so far been out of your reach.

Until now.

The whole point of a cover letter is to get that potential employer to look at your resume and in turn grant you an interview. And with the cover letter and (sort of) resume below, I'm guaranteeing you that interview.


Dear _________,

My name is __________. I would like to go into great detail about my qualifications, how they specifically relate to this job, and why they in turn make me your best candidate, but we haven't much time.

Wafting from this cover letter is a strong and fast-acting airborne laxative. No, don't cover your mouth and nose, you've already inhaled it. In fact, touching your hand to your face after holding this cover letter will only increase the severity of the symptoms.

You're going to want to move quickly to my resume. My resume contains an equally fast-acting antidote. Please, go now.


PS - Yes, this is why my cover letter looked curiously short.


Congratulations, if you're reading this, you've ingested the antidote to the cover letter laxative and saved yourself from a painfully monstrous, what some might call "hu-dung-gus," future shit.

Welcome to my resume, or as past employers have called it...


That's the sound of silence, because you can't talk when your head has exploded from viewing such an amazing resume. Lucky for you and your head, this isn't that resume exactly; it's more of a resume primer, or cover letter sequel.

However, you're not totally in the clear. I hate to do this to you again, but though you've avoided having to violently release your bowels against your will, you now have another obstacle to contend with.

This resume is soaked in a chemical nerve agent that I developed personally in conjunction with a local Russian government--because I have exceptional business and people skills that transcend culture and language.

Don't worry, there is no need to panic. This nerve agent works slower than the laxative. You have approximately 7 days until it activates within your blood stream. I will spare you all the gory details of its effects, but sufficed to say, your genitals will be vomited from your pelvis. Sorry, yeah, I guess that was still pretty gory--I have excellent communication skills.

Fear not, though. As with the cover letter, there is an antidote to this as well.

Now, the good news/bad news spiel. The bad news is, you don't have the antidote in your possession. I currently have the antidote and will have to deliver it to you personally. The good news is, I am available any day this week for an interview.

Thanks for your time!


PS - Honestly, I'm really a very nice person. See you this week!

Good luck!