03/06/2012 11:20 am ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

An Open Letter to Republicans


Dear Republicans... and in particular those running for the GOP nomination, as well as congressmen and senators like Eric Cantor, John Boehner, Mitch McConnell, Jim DeMint, Tom Coburn, Roy Blunt, Marco Rubio and countless others. I just want to say, in this era of unprecedented political invective and vitriol, that I appreciate and respect you. I also want you to know that I am extremely thankful for your existence, and feel blessed by your consistency and predictability. I say all that because you guys have literally handed the White House on a silver platter to President Obama for another four years. And maybe even control of the House again too.

Who would have thought, just a few short months ago, that Obama would be out measuring drapes again. The economy, while clearly in a solid recovery to those who obsess over leading economic indicators, still appears fragile to most Americans. We still have high unemployment, record high fuel prices, a depressed housing market, weak manufacturing and way too many foreclosures, defaults and bankruptcies. A perfect storm making this year's elections ripe for the GOP picking, you say? The table couldn't have been better for you guys if Martha Stewart had set it herself.

So how do you Republicans respond? The first thing you do is turn your presidential nomination process into a circus complete with unqualified clowns like Donald Trump, Herman Cain, Michele Bachmann, Rick Perry, Rick Santorum and Newt Gingrich dominating the three rings. And then you let these bozos turn Mitt Romney, a generally decent, historically moderate guy, into a "severe conservative" in his rapacious hunger to win. What you did was say to voters, "We obviously don't take this election seriously, so why should you?"

Then, if that wasn't enough, while everyone wants to hear about what you'll do to fix the economy and create jobs, you guys go off on a non-stop tangent over religion, gay marriage, abortion and contraception. Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with you people!? You never learn. You simply can't help yourselves, can you? As your car is once again careening off a cliff you're still screaming about the evil of birth control and sex. This from a party with myriad mistresses and sensational sex scandals. I'm so confused. You guys clearly love sex. It just seems like you want to stop the rest of us from having it.

Lastly, just when it seems you could do no more to destroy your chances of winning in November you go ahead and let your spiritual leader Rush Limbaugh make outrageously misogynistic remarks -- comments that attack an entire gender and offend all thinking people -- with relative impunity. Not one of you running for president repudiates or condemns these despicable slurs or makes any attempt to distance yourself from this vile sexist pig. It's as if you're all happy that he's saying all the nasty crap you guys really wanna say yourself but can't.

So again I say, thank you. No, wait. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Because one mere thank you isn't enough. You guys and your radical extremist social views are the gift that keeps on giving. So keep it up! Keep all the God, gays and sex stuff coming. We love it.

A Very Grateful Democrat