07/17/2009 05:12 am ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

The Freedom Cruise, Newt and the Gay Piano Player: Tales From Our Man-on-the-Inside

It's the Freedom Cruise and Conference, and it's been billed as a 10 Night Gems of the Baltic excursion at sea sponsored by the Freedom Alliance and the National Rifle Association. It left port June 12 in Copenhagen, Denmark and returns to that city June 22 after sailing through various ports in Russia, Estonia, Germany, Finland and Sweden.

Donning their Birkenstocks (yes, believe it or not, conservatives wear sandals too), Bermuda shorts and sailing caps for this Oceanic liberal-bashing orgy are LT. Colonel Oliver North, Founder & Honorary Chairman of the Freedom Alliance; Tom Kilgannon, President of the Freedom Alliance; Newt Gingrich, Former House Speaker; Duncan Hunter, Former Congressman of California; David Kenne, Chairman, American Conservative Union; Ralph Hallow, Senior political correspondent, Washington Times; Wayne LaPierre, Executive Vice President, National Rifle Association; Edwin Meese, Former U.S. Attorney General & Counselor to President Ronald Reagan; Michael Steele, Chairman of the Republican National Committee; and Bob McEwen, Former U.S. Congressman from Ohio. What a hodgepodge of narrow-minded right-wing hypocrites, huh? I'm already seasick and I'm sitting in my office.

So who exactly is the Freedom Alliance? On its website, it states that its mission "is to advance the American heritage of freedom by honoring and encouraging military service, defending the sovereignty of the United States and promoting a strong national defense." As for the NRA, well, that's just an organization of he-man wannabes with small dicks who like to shoot shit up.

On the cruise's website, this week-and-a-half of nautical negativism is described as "Moderated panel sessions featuring our esteemed guest speakers...Plenty of chances to meet, schmooze and enjoy personal interaction with our special guest speakers. Exclusive Parties and Dining with our special guest speakers....Numerous private cocktail parties and evening smokers...A fully escorted cruise." I have three initial thoughts: (1) I would rather eat my own snot than shmooze this bunch of rich old myopic white men, and Michael Steele, (but then again, I'm not their target audience); (2) what the hell is an " evening smoker?"; and (3) given all the Republican sex scandals over the past few years, who knows what "fully-escorted" means with this dubious crew?

But we've been able to get a peak inside this very secretive and exclusive little boat ride from our man on the inside. "The Mole," as we'll call him, had this to say:

There are many regular passengers, but here's the kicker. There's a lot of people on board from the Atlantis Group gay cruise company as well. Newt has been hanging out in the piano bar at night. The funny thing is, he is so anti-gay but he seems to love the piano player in the bar who is GAY!" [for the record, The Mole has not witnessed any actual homosexual behavior between Newt, the piano player or any other seemingly hetero conservative with a penchant for showtunes, but he sure does seem as smitten as Julie on The Love Boat.] I was getting some iced-tea yesterday and he came up next to me and got a glass as well. We had some small-talk for about a minute. He seems very uncomfortable in general.

Well of course, wouldn't you be? You're as homophobic as they come, but all you really wanna do is belt out "Diamonds are a Girls Best Friend" with a bunch of old queens in a piano bar. "The Vice President of the NRA was in our bar last night dancing to the music." (now if ever there was justification for use of a stun-gun...)

Sounds like our nation's leading conservatives are having a gay old time at sea.....