THE BLOG
03/18/2010 05:12 am ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

What Would George W. Bush's "Motivational Speaker" Salespitch Look Like?

The older and wiser I get the more I realize that anything in this world is possible. Anything. So it's no surprise that former President George W. Bush will headline a "Get Motivated" seminar next week in Fort Worth, Texas, followed up with another in San Antonio in December. Tony Robbins, watch out!

Got me wondering: how would Bush pitch these seminars?

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"My fellow Americans -- I used to love sayin' that at my rare addresses to the nation -- I'm excited to endeaverize on this new program of motivationness. Life can be very challenging. As I once famously said, it's hard. Hard bein' a workin' stiff. Hard bein' a mother, a father. I know how hard it is to put food on your family.

Hell, even bein' president was hard. Hard work. We all need to be motivation-ed. We all could use someone to help lift our spirits, provide inspiration and bring about many new accomplishables. My seminar will do just that.

Everyone knows my life ain't been easy. Done my fair share of boozin' and stickin' little spoons up my nose and just bein' an immature a-hole who made my pappy see red 80% of my life. Pretty humiliatable gettin' a "time-out" at White House State Dinners when you're 40...although it's pretty fun when you're sent to the Lincoln Bedroom to cool off.

What I'm tryin' to say here is...folks...my seminar will teach you never to lose hope that life will turn out okay. After all, I'm living proof of that. I lied through my Texas teeth, caused multiple wars, alientated our friends and enemies alike, pissed on the Constitution, illegally spied on and tortured people (not just those bad terrists), and virtually bankruptured the nation with an economic shitstorm that'd make FDR do 360's in his wheelchair. Yet here I am, getting paid six-figures to talk to you losers about how to make it in life as a loser. I'll show you the way! Teach ya all my tricks (my favorite is to act like you don't hear people when they ask ya really tough stuff). I'll help ya tap your inner superpowers, just like I did in making it all the way to the most important job in the world with no more credentiamables than a blind proofreader. I am the master of low expectations. Everyone misunderestimated me, and they were wrong. If I can overcome my shortcomings--and guess what, there's a whole heap of 'em--there's hope for all of you. So hurry up and reserve your seats in Forth Worth and San Antonio. That's where you'll find hope. Where wings take dream."