01/28/2009 02:19 pm ET Updated May 25, 2011

The Only Five Things Barack Could Say in Tonight's Debate That Could Keep Him from Winning the Election

5) Praise be to Allah.

4) Bill Ayers is not my friend. But he is my father.

3) You know what I really don't care about? 9/11.

2) It's not that I don't support the war in Iraq; it's just that I don't support the troops.

1) I think The Dark Knight was, perhaps, slightly overrated.