01/28/2009 02:19 pm ET Updated May 25, 2011

Why I'm Voting for McCain

I used to like Barack Obama. I thought he seemed like a pretty good guy. But after this past week I can no longer give him my vote. I mean did you see how the media treated him? It's like they're in love with him! And I don't know about you, but someone who provokes intense feelings of love and obsession from a large, diverse, and intelligent group of people is not someone who I can get behind. I mean what a turnoff.

You know who else the media was in love with? Jon Benet Ramsey. And I wouldn't vote for her for president either. Mostly because she's dead.

It's really a shame too because I agree with most of Obama's positions. But his ability to inspire mass audiences across the globe with his stirring rhetoric is going to wind up costing him my vote. Because you know who else inspired a downtrodden nation with his powerful speeches? Hitler. And I think we can all agree voting for Hitler for president would be a bad idea. I mean he wasn't even born in America! And voting for an ineligible candidate would just be dumb.

So don't give me this over-hyped beacon of light. Don't give me the Dark Knight of candidates (and I don't mean that in a racist way). Give me Mama Mia. Give me under the radar, lacking substance, and really, really gay. Give me John McCain.

Because at least he's someone the media would never be in love with...