02/10/2015 05:57 pm ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

Real Valentines For Exhausted Parents

Jessie Jean via Getty Images
  • You're so freaking hot, I made the coffee, Super Model.
  • I won't keep pressing snooze 875 times when you don't have to get up, Valentine.
  • I'll put the kids to bed, Cupid. You just lie there like you do every night, but tonight I'll heat your neck-warmer thing in the microwave and cool your eye mask and even turn off ¾ of the white noises to make it sound 3/4 less like an airport hangar in here.
  • The bigger the holes in your t-shirt armpits, the more it shrinks to resemble a midriff, the more I want to steal you away and the less I want to steal it for the rag bin, Daddy-O.
  • Set the thermostat, She-Ra, and handcuff me far away from it.
  • Purrrrr. Let's make whoopee, wherein whoopee refers to a streaming series of your choosing, He-Man. War documentaries included, purr purrr.
  • I'm taking the kids for three days and leaving you the good car, Xena. I washed it for you, oh yes I did. Undercarriage flush included.
  • Vinnie Barbarino, go down in your workshop and make me some extra loud beautiful noises. Preferably at the children's bedtime.
  • Edna Garrett, You are foxier with every passing day. I will comment with five specifics on your beauty per single green thing in your teeth mention.
  • Time for some role play, Mr. Roper: You run around the house turning on as many lights as possible and leaving them on when you go run errands. I'll play meter-reader and turn that energy loss into a high-wattage welcome upon your return.
  • Welcome home, Lady Elaine Fairchild. The kids played outside for the last hour, helped me clean the house, and still haven't done their screen time.
  • Sit a spell, Hamburglar. I just received my Master's in 100 percent calm-total-life-organization and tele-pathed it to you and now you can parent from the couch forever.
  • You know what's sexier than fleece socks with huge holes in them? New fleece socks with no holes in them. Hubba hubba, Mother Hubbard.
  • Never change, Wookiee Woman. I promise, Monchichi Man.


Note: Valid today only -- on this most romantic of all days -- until 8:45 p.m., Mr. Green Jeans.