04/12/2012 04:37 pm ET Updated Jun 12, 2012

The Worst Coachella Style Guide

Hipsters, prepsters, gypsters, pipsters, spinsters, sisters, masters and all other "sters" of America: It's time to celebrate life and music and spirit animals and visual art in the desert of California with other like-minded individuals! That's right! Get your suitcase ready because it's time for you to pack your bags for Coachella! Bros and chicks, it's finally time for our favorite annual music festival!

So, obviously, the real most important part of Coachella is compiling some epic outfits for each day of the fest. I mean, if you want to meet your future spouse in a pair of acid-washed overall shorts and a neon orange tank top and moccasins and a Banksy tattoo on their wrist, then you are in luck! This is the place for you!

Let me tell you why I'm qualified to provide you with a Coachella style guide: My love for Coachella is hardcore. It's a lot like when Angelina Jolie was dating Billy Bob Thornton. I want to aggressively make out with Coachella in public and I want to wear a vial of Coachella's blood around my neck. Coachella's blood would be made out of, like, pizza, MDMA, glow sticks and sweat. And a sweatband. And bong water. It's like disgusting but also amazing.

Anyway, we were talking about Coachella fashion. All those other fashion guides are so stupid. Um, obviously I packed a cross-body bag! Duh, of course I have a hat! I have like five hats! I'm going to be rotating them on an hourly basis! I am a hat enthusiast!

Want my fashion advice? Now that you know my qualifications, you probably do -- so here's my suggestion: Just be you. Let your freak flag fly. Be free! Find your spirit animal! What color is your mood ring? Think about it. (Also, it might rain Friday night and you know your mom would be pissed if you forgot sunscreen all weekend.)

Now is the part where I tell you the outfits I have planned for each day of the fest:

Friday Day

It's the first day at Coachella and I want to make an impression. I'm going to wear like a super sick badass pair of tie-dye neon pink super short jorts (jean shorts, duh), turquoise-detailed cowboy boots and a light grey tank top crop top with a bird and a Southwestern-symbol-type-Kokopelli-type deal on it and a pair of the biggest Ray Ban reflective aviator sunglasses I can get my hands on. And like I might wear a headband. I don't know. The headband could overdo it.

Friday Night

I'm going to get so super serious about my outfit Friday night you guys you are going to flip out. It's going to be like exactly what I wore Friday during the day except now instead of jorts I am going to wear Cerulean Blue jodhpurs but they're like, Lululemon jodhpurs, which makes it cool but not too cool. And you know those desert temps drop at night so I'm going to wear my Chambray Denim Blazer. I'll also have on earrings made out of glowsticks. I call the look "'80s Equestrian Business-Llady."

Saturday Day

Saturday is a big day. I want to look my best and send the "I'm one of those chicks who would totally hook up outside at a dirty music festival " vibe. So I'm going to wear a suede one-piece bikini bathing-suit thing that has cut-outs on the sides and then a sheer eyelet lace mullet dress over it (party short length in the front, formal enough for a black tie wedding length long in the back) and gladiator sandals and just a full Native American headdress.

Saturday Night

Everything I was already wearing minus the Native American headdress.

Sunday Day

Sunday's the last day. It's also kind of like the last day of a super intense juice cleanse but the opposite so comfort is key. I'm going to wear some '80s track shorts that I bought at American Apparel but they may as well be from the '80s they just look so '80s. I'm going to have on this totally adorable seersucker J. Crew bikini that I swear I have had since middle school and I'm going to work super hard to get the best tan ever because I have to go back to L.A. on Monday! But over the bikini top I'm going to be wearing a crop top off-the-shoulder tee with fringe that's white and says BACK TO THE FUTURE on it because that is so meta. And I have this old fanny pack I decorated with puffy paint, it's no big deal really I'm just pretty into arts and crafts, but that's going to be my purse for the day. I just want my arms to be free so I can get really loose when I'm grooving to all the good vibes on the polo fields Sunday. And I'm going to be crushing the sickest pair of Old School Nike Reebok Hightops you've ever seen on Pinterest!

Sunday Night

Time to just bask in the glory of a successful Coachella 2012 weekend with my most comfortable onesie. It's like a Union Jack suit but it's royal purple and without the butt flap and it's from some trendy boutique store with a name I don't remember, but it's on some street that's cool but not too cool like Melrose or Abbot Kinney. It's like a blanket of love. A lot like Coachella.

Okay, so I'll see you guys on the fields of Indio! If you recognize me based on any of the above outfits then you are my new favorite stalker on my list of favorite stalkers -- and also, this was a joke. I'll be naked wearing only body paint all three days.

Peace, love and music fests for all!