03/07/2014 10:37 am ET Updated May 07, 2014

Whatever You Do, DO NOT Give This to a Toddler

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DO NOT under any circumstance hand a phone over to a toddler. If you do, it will be gone. Forever. As in, bye-bye phone. The toddler will become obsessed with it, NOTHING will compare. They will search you, your pockets, handbag... EVERYWHERE, until they find their precious phone. And when they find it, your...

Calls:Missed... Except those from people you are trying to avoid. They answer those calls.

Texts: Replied to with something similar to this, "shjd;$@!32." (Actual text sent by my toddler)

Apps: Gone. Poof! Take screenshots of your phone pages so you can easily figure out what Apps have been compromised.

Photos, Music and Videos: Subject to toddler purging as well.

Passwords: Changed. Try something similar to "Dmns12zdn.';'f"

Settings:Changed. Think "Airplane Mode." ALL DAY!

Buttons and Cracks: PACKED with peanut butter, jelly, bananas and Goldfish.

Should you fail to heed this warning, and hand your phone over to a toddler...

DO NOT Panic...once you completely and utterly hate yourself for the poor choice. Panicking will cause you to make more poor choices.

DO NOT Chase After Them in an attempt to get it back. Most likely they will think it's a game and begin laughing wildly at you, whilst out running and mocking you.

DO NOT Scare Them. Once they see the anger in your eye, and realize the game is over, that is when they scramble for a hiding spot. This is where things get very dangerous for the phone.

BACK OFF! If you are coming up to a body of water during the chase, STOP! The toilet is not where you want this to end, and they are more than happy to go for that. In fact, just back off the chase all together; it will not end well for your phone. Most likely, the toddler will panic when you get close, and try launch the phone with everything their little Peyton Manning arm has got. So should you be near an area that provides a large drop, hard surface, or deep opening when the phone is launched, its game over for your phone. So again I say, BACK OFF!

Play Dead. Your best bet is to play dead, while your toddler calms down in a quiet corner with their precious phone... and then MOVE IN! Grab it back.

REDIRECT. If you want this acquisition of your property to go smoothly, you will need a redirect object, something like a cupcake, cookie, ice cream cone, chocolate or candy should suffice. Try to make the switch so fast they notice the cupcake before the loss of the phone.

NOW RUN! Once you have your phone back, RUN... to the nearest toy store and by something resembling the phone or a tablet, and pray like you have never prayed before that the new device will work as a suitable replacement. If it does not, sorry my friend, the damage is done. Go get your toddler their own phone/tablet and thank your lucky stars you made it out with all of your fingers and limbs...