10/07/2014 11:39 am ET Updated Dec 07, 2014

10 Things to Worry About... Along with Ebola

As a self-proclaimed hypochondriac, I can definitely say that Ebola scares me. However, I'm someone that would go to the doctor and exclaim that I have smallpox, only to find out that the disease was eradicated years ago - even before the eradication of Brad and Jen and the eradication of MySpace. This being said, I'm trying to stay calm in regard to Ebola so in order to make myself and others feel better, I thought of a few OTHER things to worry about, right here and now.

Warning: Do not think about number 7 for too long because it's been known to cause a rapid heart rate and pounding headache.
  1. Whether or not George Clooney will stay married. When a survey asked 100 women under the age of 35 AND George Clooney what they thought, 99 of the responses came back with "I hope not" and one came back with the response "99 women under the age of 35? Where?"
  2. Bruce Jenner has better hair than you. He was recently photographed with an even longer hairdo than the one he had previously been sporting and it's never looked better or more voluminous. So look down at your hair. See any split ends? Do you want to give people the chance to say that Bruce Jenner has healthier hair than you?
  3. Michael Phelps is going downhill. He was recently arrested for a DUI, to which fellow U.S. swimmer and former reality TV show star Ryan Lochte commented, "He has so much money to get a driver. I even have a driver. Just stinks for the sport of swimming." This just in: Apparently "This stinks" is no longer a phrase only designated for 8-year-olds that just lost their little league game and then found out their local Dairy Queen is closed.
  4. The iPhone 6 knows your secrets and hears your thoughts. No I'm serious, I read somewhere that the newest iPhone is so advanced that it walks around your room while you're sleeping. But don't worry, the incredibly high-tech new camera will make your Instagram pics look like an Annie Leibowitz photo and that's what really matters. Sweet dreams!
  5. Which Frozen character will make the best provocative Halloween costume. Because nothing says "Happy Halloween" like turning a children's cartoon into something inappropriate.
  6. Whether or not you should jump on the "Gluten Free" bandwagon. I think Gwyneth Paltrow once said, "If you're choosing to eat gluten, you're going to live a very difficult and unfulfilled life while slowly turning into a life-sized loaf of cinnamon chip bread." Or maybe it was Plato that said that.
  7. How many boyfriends Taylor Swift will have before the end of 2014.
  8. How you're going to explain to your grandparents for the 15th time what EDM music is at Thanksgiving. (Note to my brother: I'm not tackling this one alone again this year).
  9. How often Pumpkin Spice flavoring will come up in small talk between now and the end of November. "Hey, how have you been?" "Great! I'm headed to Starbucks to get a pumpkin spice latte. I love this time of the year." "Ah! Same." End scene.
  10. Whether or not the theater for Gone Girl will be so crowded on opening week that you'll end up sitting next to someone who has Ebola.