05/21/2013 04:12 pm ET Updated Jul 21, 2013

What Does It Mean to Be an American?

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This is one of those questions that is discussed on a daily basis. What does it mean to be an American? What are the morals that we strive to uphold? What values do we believe in?

Some say that being an American means having the utmost pride in your country. Others argue that it means to follow the ideals put forth in the Declaration of Independence -- the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness (which I thought came out in 2006?). All of these definitions are valid. But here are a few other characteristics that I think describe what it really means to be an American:

1. To prefer the 1998 Lindsay Lohan version of Parent Trap over the original. "The old one is just so, like, boring."

2. To have read 50 Shades of Grey but say you didn't. "Yeah, well I thought about it but then I decided against it, it's just too much, you know?"

3. To have read 50 Shades of Grey and comment on how it "isn't well written." "Yeah, I mean I read it but there were so many grammatical errors, I could barely focus."

4. To put Jay-Z and Beyoncé on a pedestal. "No, honestly they're basically as powerful as the First Couple."

5. To be emotionally invested in celebrities cheating on one another. "Does Kristen Stewart even have a heart? Does she? Robert Pattinson would never hurt a fly."

6. To apply to 16 colleges when you only want to go to two of them. "I just want to have a lot of options. Is 14 safety schools enough?"

7. To be a woman and say you wish Anderson Cooper wasn't gay. "He's just so good looking. I could totally see myself marrying him. Ugh, if only he were straight."

8. To talk about how Chipotle should deliver. "Do they even realize how much money they could make if they would just deliver?!"

9. To Instagram a picture out of an airplane. "Almost home. Beautiful view. #Airplane #FromTheAir #Mountains #Water #View #Gorgeous #10,000Feet #Delta."

10. To not know what Labor Day celebrates. "Wait, so what even is Labor Day? We get school off right?"

11. To constantly talk about how you wish your pets could talk. "Don't you just wish that they could speak? I'm just dying to know what they're thinking."

12. To get frustrated and defensive when you see that the person you're texting doesn't have an iPhone. "Oh god our messages are green. No iMessage? Who doesn't have an iPhone? Like, why not?"

13. To be overly impressed with Nordstrom's return policy. "They are just so fair. It's been over a year and they still let me return this sweater. Talk about good people."

14. To talk about how everyone talks about Anne Hathaway. "Everyone is always saying how Anne Hathaway annoys them and it's really true, there's just something about her."

15. To over-utilize "Cough, slight headache, kind of twitchy right hand, burning sensation in ears... oh my god, these are my symptoms. I have Polio."

God bless America.