03/01/2006 08:59 pm ET Updated May 25, 2011

Ari's Confusion of the Day: Bird Flu Determined to Attack U.S.

I was watching CNN yesterday and they reported that the bird flu may have reached the Bahamas, where there has been an unprecedented wave of sudden bird deaths.

I'm confused. Last time I looked, the Bahamas is pretty damn close to America -- so why isn't the Bush administration kicking its preparations into high gear? The president and his team have been caught with their collective pants down on a steady stream of enormous tragedies -- and the bird flu has all the makings of being their next "unanticipated" screw up.

After the pandemic hits, and the public is looking for answers, I'm betting we'll see Michael Chertoff or Secretary of Health and Human Services Mike Leavitt doing their best Condoleezza Rice-after-9/11 imitation in front of Congress:

"This was historical information based on old reporting. There was no new threat information. And it did not, in fact, warn of any coming bird flu inside the United States."

"If we had known the bird flu was coming to the United States...we would have moved heaven and earth to stop it."

"'No one could have imagined the bird flu slamming into the United States, using an avian virus as a missile.'"

"I believe the warning was, 'Bird Flu Determined to Attack Inside the United States.'"

And Bush doing his best Bush impersonation:

"No one could have anticipated the outbreak of the bird flu virus."

"Heck of a job, Birdie..."

Of course, after blithely declaring the bird flu to be in "its last throes," Cheney will simply shoot someone in the face.