THE BLOG
06/24/2014 01:49 pm ET Updated Aug 24, 2014

Breaking Up With Siri Who Was Supposed to Be My Best Friend

When I first upgraded to my iPhone 4s several years ago, I was so excited to have that little "s" for Siri.

Imagine giving commands to a virtual assistant and having an even smarter smart phone working for me! Even at my age, I am embracing new technology if it makes my life easier. Everyone needs a virtual assistant, right?

I was Siri-ously delusional about that. I thought we could become best friends, but we have had so many arguments; I am 'this close' to completely breaking up with her.

When I first got Siri, my son Brett showed me "the fun you can have with Siri" by prompting her to marry him.

She responded, "I don't know you well enough."

He then said, "You're so pretty."

She responded to that one: "I bet you say that to all your virtual assistants."

I really think after this session of games, Siri decided maybe she didn't want to be my new best friend/personal assistant. Thanks a lot Brett.

I'm sure you've all seen the comedic commercial for Siri where the husband and wife argue through Siri's voice. Ha ha, funny, right? Well, it's not so funny after you get into it with the actual Siri.

It all started after I coded my family relationships into the phone. Siri is supposed to dial by voice when given a name or a family relationship. (Thus the "hands free concept") I coded my son, my daughter, and my husband into my relationships.

On the first try with this hands-free concept, I wanted to text my daughter Elissa via voice so I commanded "Text my Daughter" because Siri does NOT recognize her name Elissa no matter how much I enunciate, or try to spell it. Tip to Siri: Elissa is Melissa without the "M." (I actually tried that but it was to no avail.)

Siri responded, "Ok text your daughter, Brett." Brett's number came up for the text. The thing is Siri KNOWS Brett is my son because when I say "Text my son," she gets it right. But Siri thought Brett is both my daughter AND my son.

That's when we got into a voice altercation. It turned heated at some point. Portions are below:

Siri: How may I help you?
Me: You have my daughter's name incorrect. It is not Brett but Elissa.
Siri: What do you want to do with your contact Alyssa M...?
Me: No, wrong Elissa. I want you to recognize Elissa as my daughter. I want you to fix the daughter contact FROM Brett to Elissa.
Siri: Ok, call Brett?
Me: NO! I WANT YOU TO CHANGE MY DAUGHTER ON THE VOICE PROMPT!
Siri: Looking up Voice Prompt on the Web
Me: CANCEL! I want you to change the voice prompt relationship for my daughter as ELISSA!
Siri: Call Alyssa M?
Me: NO! My daughter is Elissa!
Siri: What do you want to do with your contact Alyssa M...?"
Me: (hyperventilating) I WANT YOU TO CHANGE FROM BRETT TO ELISSA AS MY DAUGHTER FOR VOICE PROMPT.
Siri: Ok, you want to look up changing Brett?
Me: NO! I want you to change the relationship you have as my daughter!
Siri: I am sorry, Siri cannot change your relationships.

Afterward I could not believe that I spent 10 minutes arguing and yelling with Siri.

This was the first of many times that Siri would let me down. She doesn't understand my voice, or my accent, or anything I ask for.

Me: Call (Restaurant Name)
Siri: I don't find that name in your contacts
Me: No look it up! It is a restaurant.
Siri: I don't understand Look it Up

OR

Me: Call Gary (who is actually known only to Siri as my husband, even though he is listed in my contacts as Gary).

Siri: I can look up Gary, Indiana for you. (True story as all of these are.)

Or the time I made a simple request while driving to look up my homeowner's association number so I could call them and verify if they received my check.

After clearly enunciating the name of the association, Siri answered: I found two home improvement businesses but they are not very close to your location.

I wanted take out from Buca di Beppo last week and I asked her to find the one near my home by giving her the street it was located on. I was smart this time. I did not ask her to call, I asked her to "look it up."

Siri: I found one Buca di Beppo but the location is quite far from you.

It was in a location 30 miles away.

Huh? It took me one second to pull over, type the command in my Google browser and the phone number to the nearby one came up with an option to dial.

Some helper that Siri is. It's always easier just to do it myself.

My husband has a different smart phone and a far superior virtual assistant. Sometimes we will give a command to do something at the same time to watch his smart phone find it right away, and my Siri to flounder time after time.

I am beginning to think that my Siri is not stupid -- she is just passive-aggressive. She finds delight in messing up my requests. Maybe she is still upset that I asked her "Who Let the Dogs Out" making her respond "Who, Who?"

It's a relationship that's just not working. She is like that awful friend who is NEVER there for you when you need her. Yes, we are just going to have to break up.

Read my regular blogs at www.arlenelassin.com