Back in March, I looked at my partner of six years and nonchalantly told him: "I think I'm ready to have a baby. You down with that?" There was quite a bit of back and forth, and after some intense negotiations we agreed to give it a solid try (side note: one of my true life regrets is not paying attention to how I actually talked him into this because you know that skill is invaluable).
We had been told it could take years to get pregnant. After all, they had thought I might be entering menopause just a few years ago. So you can imagine our surprise when we got the job done on the first try and a few weeks later it dawned on us that we were going to be someone's parents which resulted into a momentary knee jerk: "They said years! How did this happen? I'm not ready!"
After we took turns slapping the hysteria out of each other, we got used to the idea and joy and gratefulness replaced our shock and uncertainty and we began to share our happy news with those closest to us.
Now, here is where I am going to do all of you first timers a solid. And you'll thank me for it, because no one else will tell you these things. Most of your friends will be shady about these details until you get knocked up and they know there's no turning back for you. And then the floodgates will open and their stories will spill out like hot lava and you'll look at them and be like "You bitch! NOW you're telling me this?!"
And it's pretty much all of them. That chick you know who fully embraced pregnancy and bonded with her womb before she gave birth in a pool in her living room and became one with the true beauty of nature and the power of being a woman, she has stories. Horror stories about her hemorrhoids and how constipated she got. Your mom will suddenly share what she remembers with you and she'll tell you that your sister got the cankles and the skin tags so you probably will too (this wasn't my mom because I was adopted but it happened to one of my girlfriends who learned this the day she announced she was pregnant).
In all fairness to my shifty ass friends, I don't think they do this intentionally. Some of it is downright embarrassing and it's possible that the whole experience of childbirth, which they all say is miraculous, makes their brain's defense mechanism shut out all the crap they went through for nine months, otherwise everyone would have one damn kid and our species would die off (clearly this isn't a scientific theory, it's just my opinion).
Also, as a disclaimer, there are some freaks of nature or Pregnancy Unicorns who experience almost none of these things or have symptoms so minor you might be moved to beat the you-know-what out of them. I have a couple of friends like that and those tricks are the kind of girls who don't gain weight and have perfect hair and even though they deny it, deep down I know they farted just as much as me and I am still friends with them because I love them even though they don't love themselves enough to be honest.
So here it is, brace yourselves.
Things that happen to you when you're pregnant that no one wants you to know:
- The exhaustion is otherworldly. I see you rolling your eyes like you A) know this already or B) know me and know how lazy I am, but this is some serious feels-like-you-ran-a-26-mile-marathon-even-though-you-only-walked-from-the-bed-to-couch kind of exhaustion. I cried I was so tired. My best friend locked her office door and slept at her desk on her lunch break. SHE SLEPT AT HER DAMN DESK, PEOPLE! Another friend said she slept in her car on her lunch break with her first, but with her second she couldn't recline with the car seat so she actually had to sleep sitting up.
Now hopefully, I didn't scare anyone away. Because being pregnant is really magical (the above inconveniences aside, of course). And when you see your teeny tiny baby on the ultrasound for the first time, you will feel a kind of happiness and love that's hard to equate. I actually feel a weird gratefulness every single day for the bleeding gums and the nausea and even the fiery boobs because someday, after hours of the most excruciating pain my mind could possibly fathom coupled with the reported massive amounts of people who will see my vagina when I'm in labor (which I'm told I will barely notice, ha!), our baby will be here. And I'm betting that my own brain will block out the above list which is why this post will become so handy: no one can say I didn't warn them.