09/20/2013 01:08 pm ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

28 Cakes Later: Still No Boyfriend

This is month nine of cake gallivanting around the LA bar scene in my search for a nice boyfriend. I've taken 28 cakes to 28 bars with no lasting results.

I better step up my game.

I guess I should take full and shameless advantage of this writing platform to describe who exactly I'm looking for in case it will help things along. I keep getting into trouble for not having a type -- apparently, friendly is not a type -- so I'll act like I'm in eighth grade and put it all out there:

Single white sugar monster seeks companion with a knack for storytelling and asking thoughtful questions. Applicants who don't like to read need not apply. A job is probably necessary, creativity is a must, and a command of average or above-average funniness is helpful. Please appreciate your parents, and have composed some meaningful thank you notes at some point in your life. A sugar problem is encouraged, but not required, as is a fondness for the South. Glasses are a plus.

You don't have to love the outdoors. You don't have to be in a band. You just need to carry some kind of balance between polite and silly, or practical and eccentric, and perceptive and sweet. You should offer to bring something if I invite you over for dinner, (even if I say don't bring anything -- it's a trick.) I will never make you wait for me while I browse the sale rack at Anthropologie. It would be terrific if you like to go to museums, but okay if not. I can manage.

In an effort to provide helpful examples, below is a list (in no particular order) of who I would most like to offer cake to at a bar:

1. Agent Michael Vaughn from Alias
2. Ira Glass, host of This American Life
3. Fred Armisen, impersonator of Ira Glass, host of This American Life
4. Jim Halpert, Idolized Perfect Person
5. All three Hanson Brothers
6. Dick Van Dyke
7. Dream Team Macklemore & Ryan Lewis
8. George Michael Bluth
9. Ari Shapiro (totally aware he's married to a man)
10. And last but not least, Alan Perlman, the wholly unrequited object of my high school affections, who worked at my family's ice cream store and had to bear witness to the first of my many failed social interactions with boys. I could really go for a do-over.

If interested, please find me at a LA bar some time between now and December 31. I will be the one holding a cake and looking eager.

Thanks and best wishes,

Audrey Shulman