06/30/2014 04:11 pm ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

The Dream


"Le Rêve," Pablo Picasso -- 1932

I dreamed of you last night! It happened that I was in the old town of Bratislava, on a narrow cobblestoned alley. We were hiding from someone. I now know from whom, from Shadows. You gave me a Monet painting and a gold filigree encased turquoise stone with brown patterns. I hastily took the canvas and folded it in four. I squeezed the stone so hard in my hand that I gave it the deeply longing and desireful embrace that I would have wished to give you. You said that you wanted me to have them as a souvenir from you, in case something happened to you.

I ran quickly in the room where the party was held and tried to stuff the folded canvas on the bottom of a jewelry box and to hide the stone there as well. The Shadow came, dressed in clerical clothes and advised me to hide all my jewelry in the hem of the coat he was wearing. I did not. I did not want the Shadow to have the single proof of love that you have showed me all this time.

A brightly yellow sunny dawn wakes me up. I am starting to warm up but many parts of me remain cold. You are holding me in your arms, keeping me warm. Stay still! The water waves gently rock us in the wooden boat. I struggle to open my eyes and see a flock of cranes flying overhead and the clear blue sky that seems to be so close... The wind is blowing. The reeds are rustling, shaking their flowers on us. You lift a part of your body, covering me with it. Your scent is unique! No one smells as lovely as you do. I would recognize you from a thousand, only by your scent. You look at me, caress me and then give me a kiss. The Danube's smell comes between us. I breathe your scent and snuggle in your arms. I feel so good and safe! It is just the two of us in the middle of the delta, alongside the reeds. You just look at me. You seem to be a ghost. We go ashore. I see you going away on the narrow path, leaving me alone in the boat. I want to call you back but I can not. You keep on walking without looking back. The further you go, the happier you are and you keep on going ahead, where a totally different life awaits you from the one you left behind. A lonely girl in a boat. I am not crying, I am not sad, I am just looking at you. That place is magical. I am suddenly a little girl with her hair braided in two back pigtails standing in a boat. The white clouds pass quickly overhead. I hear frogs, the birds of the delta and the distant cry of the cranes.

I woke up from this dream! Why is it that I dream of you? We have never had a moment of intimacy. We lacked the courage, both me and you. Only once we were alone for a moment and I ran, I was... a coward. You know, sometimes your image appears in front of me, without even thinking of you, in unexpected moments. Then my body trembles, my lips dry out and burn me with desire. At times, such moments make me feel alive. Maybe just a drop more of courage would have made your perfume be my pillow in the morning, so that... I no longer dream of you.

I adore those steady romantic relationships, those couple relationships in which the two walk hand in hand and still gaze deeply into each other's eyes. When you look at the two of them and see how much they resemble, in attitude, gestures and sometimes even in appearance, you realize that they are really happy. Those loves in which your partner knows when to bring you a glass of water even if you haven't asked him, simply because he felt like you might need a glass of water.

I admit it, sometimes I feel envy, other times, I am the one who creates it.

But how many of us really get to experience such feelings? Do they manage to live the joy of love day by day? I am asking if they manage because having a love relationship is continuous work. You must want to love. Or wish to offer love, respect, support, trust, comfort, friendship, feeling to the one beside you. It is tough! There is no equality in a relationship, only balance. You often get the feeling that you are the only one who gives and that the other only receives and enjoys all these goodies. You see him blossoming beside you, growing his wings and evolving professionally, spiritually and even physically, it seems like he is getting younger. If you wish to love, you keep on giving, if not, you let envy poison you and start working against the one you used to love.

This is why many people do not succeed in overcoming certain hurdles and they quit. They go on a wild-goose chase, letting themselves be fooled by appearances and end up destroying their relationship, their life. Or they wake up all alone in their mid life and rush to sign a "truce" with another "tardy" person. They have one, two or three children and then they realize that they have virtually nothing in common and they cannot live together, so they break up.

Some take refuge in a fleeting relationship, others in their profession. Women usually focus on the upbringing and education of their children, others escape in their own imagination and are no longer with their partner. Why? Because even the most righteous relationships have their degree of dissatisfaction.

No matter how romantic, spiritual and intelligent a man or a woman is, the outcome is sex. At a certain point, the two do not look at each other with the same desire. Women, just like men, have cravings of the most diverse. From younger to older men, to gigolos. The infusion of something other than what they get at home makes, from the most unsuspected women, the fiercest lovers. I often had the surprise to discover that the most immaculate resumes had an impressive record in matters of love, meanwhile the novices in fleeting adventures were those who seemed frivolous. Women cheat from the same reasons as men do: boredom, the desire of something else, they go in the search of what they do not have at home or simply in order to live their lives more intensely. I have also met women, long past their prime, who grew tired of being cheated on and started, as a revenge, to cheat as well. Thus, having tasted the adrenaline, they started the training for a double life, questioning, lies carried out sometimes to perfection, sexual experiments. In most cases, they have not left their partner because the option from home was more convenient than the adulterous one. Nonetheless, to those who took the "wrong way", I would like to remind them that at the end of the road, they will have to face... themselves. Confrontation is the hardest, are they ready for it? Often what you lose on such a road is more difficult to bear than what you gain.

Just as I tell my son, everything is up to us, to the choices we make, to what we truly wish for. Love does not come, it does not fall from the sky unexpectedly, it is not good fortune, like I keep on hearing lately. Love is where you search for it. It has to be nurtured, cared for, as you would with a plant or a pet and extra care never hurts, no matter how many crazy things your heart might say.