02/18/2015 09:43 am ET Updated Apr 19, 2015

Bound and Gagged

Unless you've been living in a monastery or convent for the past few years, you've heard of the book, Fifty Shades of Grey. A fiendishly twisted tale of carnal pleasure, Fifty Shades has captured hearts and minds all over the world and lit a roaring flame deep inside a million female souls. Just in case you're not in the know, be forewarned... this book is NOT one of your mother's Harlequin romance novels. On the pages of this racy read, every whips-and-chains scenario your wicked brain can imagine is played out with great relish and descriptive flair.

And it's about to get a whole lot better.

(Or worse, depending on your point of view)

Enter Fifty Shades of Grey, the movie.

Valentine's Day 2015 saw the silver screen light up with the cinematic adaptation of this literary phenomenon. I, for one, couldn't wait. Watching the book's critics blow a gasket and spin out is always good for a chuckle or two.

Since virtually the day the book was released, Fifty Shades of Grey has caused more than it's fair share of hand-wringing in uptight prudes all across the nation. It seems there's no shortage of folks who are concerned with what this newfound fascination with BDSM says about women in the new millennium.

Critics say Fifty Shades is demeaning towards women....




I say, that's a crock.

So do the millions of women who've fallen in love with these books.

See, what the critics either refuse or are unable to see is that Fifty Shades is a fictional tale of consensual sex. The protagonist, Anastasia Steele, is never harmed against her will or subjected to ANY activity without her FULL agreement and consent. Since she is a willing participant of sound mind, the violence against women argument has little, if any merit.

What these modern day Puritans also don't understand is that a woman's GREATEST aphrodisiac is the thrill of being swept off her feet. Women WANT to be desired. Worshipped. Adored. Ravished to their core and made to feel alive. And if by a confident, self-assured man with a hint of danger and intrigue, then so much the better. Who cares if the path to passion is a little unconventional? What's most important is that every nerve ending in her body be set ablaze with desire. And if that happens to be with a quick snap of a riding crop, then so be it.

Call me cracked, but anything that invigorates the libidos of a hundred million women across the planet can only be a good thing. After all, sexual passion in its many colorful forms brings us some of life's finest pleasures, so any opportunity to work each other over into a sweaty mess of tangled limbs and tousled hair is alright in my book. As long as it's consensual, then anything goes.

As for the backlash about how this movie promotes violence towards women, I say, get a life! Fifty Shades is a fictional love story written for one reason alone... to excite and stimulate the female imagination. Both the book, and now the movie, are breaking down barriers in bedrooms and inspiring women everywhere to explore and be adventurous on THEIR terms.

Tell me again why that's a bad thing?


So ladies, leave the saint in you behind, head down to your local movie theater and fire up your inner goddess with a screening of Fifty Shades of Grey. Lose the schoolgirl guilt and instead grab a whip, chain, feather, or toy and create a fantasy you never knew you had. Let this be your excuse to indulge your steamiest desires with no consequence or judgmental retribution.

And for the Fellas...

Put away the heart-shaped box of chocolates and don't even think about buying her another one of those worthless furry teddy bears. This year, leave the lingerie at Victoria's Secret and instead try a satin-laced blindfold paired with a leather riding crop... WHAP!

And, of course, her favorite bottle of wine.