05/08/2014 03:50 pm ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

Mother's Day Tribute 2014

Mieke Dalle via Getty Images

Dear Moms,

I've always thought children are kind of like poorly-timed bursts of flatulence. You can tolerate them if they're your own, but other people's are simply unbearable. So in commemoration of this and other challenges of motherhood, I am hereby tasking my pen to acknowledge moms everywhere for all that you do.

Being a mother is the ultimate thankless job. No one knows this better than you do. No sane woman goes into motherhood for the recognition since being a mom is all about selfless sacrifice. And let's face it, kids can be a pain in the ass. And that pain starts well before you're technically even a mother. Morning sickness, swollen feet, engorged fun-bags, stretch marks; the list goes on and on....

Then Junior pops out.

After that it's an endless parade of fecal explosions, spit-ups, sleepless nights and infantile caterwauling. Then the fun really begins... Round Two brings temper tantrums, a nearly-defunct sex life, and that ever-present swath of destruction in your formerly serene and organized abode.

But wait! There's more!

Then the kids get a little older and you're miraculously transformed from a toddler-doting slave into a 'round-the-clock service consortium specializing in transportation, catering, counseling and all forms of discipline.

As if that weren't enough, it's not just your genetic replicas who test the limits of your sanity over the years. You're pulled daily in a thousand different directions as you find yourself juggling some vexing combo of crazy boyfriends, nutty husbands, psycho exes, wacky in-laws, demanding bosses, catty girlfriends, and quite possibly all of the above.

And that was just yesterday.

And if you're a single mom or a stepmother, you've got it even tougher.

Yet somehow you ladies manage all these disparate elements of chaos with grace, patience and competence, the source of which shall forever remain a mystery to me. So on this Mother's Day, on behalf of myself and legions of men everywhere, I think it's important I articulate our appreciation for everything you do. Though we don't often say it, the sacrifices you make for the children and ourselves is the glue that holds it all together; regardless of whether we share the same address or even the same last name. It is often said that behind every great man is an equally great woman and nowhere does this hold more true than when we're talking about you. So thank you, Ladies. You are priceless in so many ways.

Now for those of you who think I'm pandering or even certifiably insane, imagine for just a moment a world without women where men are left to fend for ourselves...

(Pause for Contemplation)


Happy Mother's Day, Ladies.



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