02/27/2014 04:10 pm ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

The 10 Toddler Commandments


Written by Serge Bielanko for

Ahhh, those lovely 10 Commandments taught to so many of us at a very young age by little old ladies in Sunday school rooms, or well-meaning parents, in a burst of boring talk.

Broken by most us by the time we hit 30 -- cheaters, liars, jealous jaded fools that we are.

Yet somehow they have managed to resonate down the centuries, 10 basic rules of common sense and social decency spit from the so-called lips of the Big Guy himself. And people love 'em! After all, who can really argue with a booming thunderous voice raining down from the heavens, a gust of locomotive breath telling us to steer clear of murdering our neighbors.

Related: 20 hilarious first-world toddler problems

And to avoid getting jiggy with their spouses whenever humanly possible.

No matter what you believe or think though, when it comes to the 10 Commandments, everybody (and I mean everybody) pretty much knows about them and can even recite a few. Everybody except toddlers that is. See, toddlers don't really know because toddlers don't really care. Why? Well, from the way I see it, wee people between the ages of 2 and 4 have their own religion going on, their own faith to which they diligently prescribe.

Its called Borderline Insanity with a Sprig of Self Importance-ism.

They adhere to their own set of life lessons and rules and they are as freaky and twisted as any of the other ancient doctrines out there being worshiped.

Therefore, I have come to the conclusion that toddlers deserve their own 10 Commandments; a set of by-laws, if you will, carved into the proverbial stone tablets of this here internet.

They came to me in a heated vision this morning, as my 2-year-old son was laying on my bedroom carpet, his precious little face marinating in his own daily dab of snot and tears, his cheeks afire with red hot glaze, his voice crying out from the forsaken wilderness of the eternal winter storming across the plains of his plum crazy mind.

They are the 10 Toddler Commandments.

And they are long overdue.

I. Thou shalt not wake me up when I'm sleeping.

Seriously. Don't ever do that. I am sleeping for a reason, in case you didn't notice. And the reason is that I AM TIRED!!!! So wake me up if you feel so inclined, but there will be hell to pay.

II. Thou shalt not look at me.

I want your attention. I crave it and need it. But stop looking at me, especially whenever I am feeling moody/hungry/irritated/vulnerable/scared/happy/or when I'm in the middle of pooping my pants, which essentially, eats up all of the time except when I'm crashed out.

Remember. I'm crazy!!!

serge bielanko

III. Thou shalt not stop me from coveting other people's toys.

Or from breaking them, just to see how interesting it feels.

IV. Thou shalt expect me to make "a scene."

And thou shalt not be disappointed.

V. Thou shalt not expect me to thank you.

Let's face it. You give me nice stuff, and I don't unleash the beast inside me. Gratefulness and all of that hippie crap is so 1967.

VI. Actually, thou SHALT run a restaurant.

You brought me into this world. I didn't ask for any of this. So do your job! And make different meals for everyone tonight.

serge bielanko

VII. Thou shalt make the TV do what I need it to do.

And what I need it to do is roll out The Cocker Spaniel Who Saved Christmas starring Tony Danza and the mailman guy from Cheers for the 55th time this month. Listen, you're the one paying for all this "advanced technology" right? So just make it happen.

VIII. Thou shalt just change my diaper without a whole lecture.

Seriously, give it a rest already. Stop preaching about the stupid "potty." I have no idea what that even means.

IX. Thou shalt not blather on and on to me about making messes.

Yadda-yadda-yadda. Making a mess? It's what I do.

X. Thou shalt accept my crayon wall murals as the new reality.

Please, please, please tone it down. I mean, just shut up and Pinterest the beautiful free art I'm giving you.

serge bielanko

For 15 things NOT to do with a toddler, visit Babble!

The *Bonus* Toddler Commandment!

XI. "Enjoy it. It goes by so fast!"...Thou shalt never stop saying that.

Yes, it's annoying. And yes it's redundant, especially after you've said it or heard it a 1,000 times. But its true too, and that makes it alright.

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All images courtesy of Serge Bielanko

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