"How will I know you?" I ask, on the phone.
"Just look for Clint?"
"Clit?"
"Eastwood. They say I look like Clint Eastwood."
"Sure, see you at seven."'
We met on BoomerHottie Singles, a new site for dating. He didn't post a photograph nor give me his last name so I can't Google him. Oh well, without risk how do you find love after 60? Let alone 50? Or 40? Ageism is rampant in this country. A numbers game.
At seven, I decide to walk to the café. The sky is full of stars, really pretty. I love San Francisco, its maze of hills, narrow Victorians, outrageous fog.
I arrive and inside the bar, it's dark. You can smell the scotch. I spot this guy, tall and thin as a spider, with a huge head of puffy tan hair, talking to this hottie looking blonde cocktail waitress. He's wearing snug jeans and tennis shoes and a pale blue sweater. He looks cool.
He turns. "Hello. I'm BARBARA."
stolii"Well, hello. You look better in person.''
We sit at a cocktail table and he orders a scotch over, telling me that he hasn't had a drink for years, that his wife's death let him out of a cage. I have my usual Stoli, three green olives, and we start talking... well, mostly he's talking about how great he's feeling, what great shape he's in, how he canoes over the rapids -- up close I'm sure his tan is a spray tan. Another no-show, and a rat bore. I order another drink, feeling no pain, assuring myself that he might be the controversy the paper needs.
He frowns, as if squeezing out a revelation. "My criteria this time is to be with a woman with money. I want her to have a coop, doorman, and a trust. I'm tired of footing the bill. Do you have money? Columnists don't make much money.''
"I'm an heiress," I say sarcastically, guzzling the drink.
"My wife had sleep-apnea. I hope you don't snore?"
"So how did your wife die?"
"She was a baldie. She was having hair extensions put in and tripped on a cord. She was a klutz. Died from complications."
"I'm sorry."
"I'm not. No sex. The woman was frigid. Give me a woman who looks like Pamela Anderson. I'm very sensitive and deep. She has to have brains.''
"When did your wife die?"
"Two days ago.''
Barbara Rose Brooker is a native's new novel The Viagra Diaries to be published by Simon & Schuster on Apr. 30. It will be published in 14 countries, and on AUDIO GO publishers. She has an option with HBO for The Viagra Diaries, and is working on two other novels.