11/21/2009 05:12 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

Obama to Address "Rising Terrorist Unemployment Rate" in America

The unemployment rate, which has reached a startling 9.6% of the country's population, has not only had a drastic effect on blue collar Americans, but also anti-American terrorists who secretly live within the United States. President Obama, who is already being scrutinized for his other progressive plans, has pushed the terrorist unemployment problem to the forefront of his concerns.

"These terrorists came to America with high hopes of destroying it," President Obama stated in his speech to Congress. "It is not fair that they have found it difficult to find any terrorist-related work due to the 'hard times' and 'lack of funding to kill in the name of Allah,' but it is our duty to make their dreams of eliminating freedom come true."

Terrorists by the thousands have congregated in Washington, D.C. to demonstrate their strong belief that they should be employed to "devastate America in ways they have never dreamed of."

"It just sucks," said an anonymous, unemployed 22 year-old terrorist. "There is literally nothing out there for young terrorists like myself. I've tried to put myself out there, trying to convince people that I'm willing to blow myself up for literally any decent job, but all these terrorist cells just want me to do menial tasks like making copies of Jihad pamphlets, going on coffee and potential suicide-attack-scouting runs, and maintaining their anti-Semitic website [] and Twitter account []. They're only looking to hire experienced terrorists at this point. How can you expect me to have 'prior terrorist experience' if I'm applying for an entry-level terrorist position? It's entry-level terrorism! I should have just stayed in Pakistan and helped my father milk goats - at least that's a steady career choice."

Despite the general malaise among young terrorists, some older generation terrorists have tried to make the future seem a bit brighter.

"There is always a struggle to find a good terrorist job when you first get out there," said an anonymous 55 year-old terrorist. "Before I got my first secure terrorist job, I was working in terrorist restaurants as a terrorist busboy, or in a terrorist temp agency as a terrorist temp, or even as a terrorist paralegal at Berman & Schwartz [a terrorist law firm]! The point is, a secure terrorist job will come, you just have to be patient, keeping looking, and want to die in the name of Allah."

According to sources, there are approximately 50,000 young terrorists in America who are unemployed. Despite scouring the Internet on sites like,, and even Craigslist, thousands of young terrorists have not only been left unemployed, but also, unfortunately disgruntled about their once bright future in terrorism.

When President Obama was questioned about when the rising level of unemployed terrorists would decrease, he replied, "There is no real way to project an exact date, but I'm hoping it will coincide with my plan to provide illegal immigrants with health care and change the legal tender to 'Obama Bucks.'"

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