08/04/2011 10:11 pm ET Updated Oct 04, 2011

Obama Laments Lousy Birthday Gifts

Sources in the White House reported that President Obama was disappointed with the pathetic presents he received from around the nation on his 50th birthday.

Investors today surprised the President with a 5% drop in the stock market, while the American People gave him a poll with a dismal 42% approval rating. To compound his dissatisfaction, when the President went to Gallup and Wall Street to exchange his gifts for more enjoyable presents like socks and underwear, he was denied because neither of the two included gift receipts.

Topping the President's wish list for his birthday was a bigger debt ceiling. Although he already had one earlier in his term, he had complained recently that it was already too small and that he needed a bigger one. Aides to Senator Harry Reid said that House Speaker John Boehner and Senator Mitch McConnell waited until the last minute to get fellow Republicans to chip in, leaving the three with no time to run to the store and get a high-end package. Instead, Senator McConnell drove over to Vice President Joe Biden's place and the two cobbled together a home-made substitute late Sunday night.

"The President was very disappointed with the crappy debt deal he got from Speaker Boehner and Leader Reid,'' said press secretary Jay Carney at this morning's daily press briefing. "For God's sakes they didn't even include the revenues expansion pack! That's, like, the coolest part!" He compared the incident to last year, when the 'Socialize-Me Stalin' action figure that Glenn Beck got him didn't come with the trademark hammer and sickle. "It's just no fun without the accessories," he added

The other presents the President got were no better: Moody's Investor Service and Fitch Ratings gave him "negative outlooks" on US debt for his big day. Partygoers noted that at least the two credit agencies put in more effort than Standard & Poor's, who didn't even respond to Obama's invitation and are unlikely to get him a coveted AAA rating.

First Lady Michelle Obama said this year's presents were even worse than his early Christmas present in 2010, when the American People gifted him a Congress that was clearly broken right out of the box.

"The instructions said that this Congress was supposed to help the President to create jobs, " Mrs. Obama said. Despite that, when he tried to work with it, "all this defective piece of junk did was mess up the economy even more!" recalls the first lady. And when he tried to return it to the Federal Election Commission, he was told that the American People never purchased a warranty so he would have to wait until 2013 to be eligible for a replacement.

When asked what voters could get her husband in 2012, she simply replied, "I think a Speaker Pelosi would be nice." She was also quick to note that if his gifts are this lousy next year, he'll probably just regift them to Texas Governor Rick Perry in November.

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