Political scientists at Quinnipiac University shocked the world today when they announced that the previous classification of the Gingrich as "Newt" is incorrect. After 20 years of extensive examination, the scientists now believe that the Salamandridae Gingricus, more commonly known as the North Georgia Gingrich, is in fact a member of the Chamaeleonidae family. This means that the political scientific community has reclassified the Gingrich as a chameleon rather than a newt as was initially believed.
First discovered in northern Georgia during a congressional election in 1974, the Gingrich reached its peak in the political ecosystem in the late 90s. For over three decades, scientists had assumed that the Gingrich was a member of the Pleurodelinae family based on a hasty overview of its behavior. For example, members from the Pleurodelinae family have been observed to regenerate body parts that have been severely maimed or destroyed by predators. Early researchers observed a similar quality in the Gingrich's remarkable talent for regenerating wives and recovering from political gaffes. In addition, members of the Pleurodelinae family usually secrete slime laced with toxins to repel predators. The Gingrich showed a similar ability during the 1998 impeachment trial of Bill Clinton, when it secreted a stunning amount of slimy rhetoric to ward off the former president's popular agenda.
In spite of these similarities, scientists now believe the Gingrich is more akin to the chameleon. This reclassification comes just a month after the groundbreaking discovery that confirmed the Chicago Blackcat (Panthera Obama) migrated from Hawaii, not from sub-Saharan Africa as some "experts" alleged. When asked what prompted this sudden reclassification, Dr. Herman Schultz, the head of the 20-year study, said the Gingrich's ability to quickly change its external policy shade to match its political surroundings convinced the researchers that it was in fact a member of the Chamaeleonidae family.
"Chameleons have an astounding ability to change their external appearance in a short time, leaving no trace of their previous skin pigment," said Schultz. "The Gingrich has demonstrated over the last thirty years that it can change its external policies in a matter of minutes, confusing its predators about what they are really attacking."
This ability has been crucial to the survival of the Gingrich, which has an ever-increasing list of known predators. The Gingrich quickly became prey to the Wisconsin Budgethawk over the last week after territorial disputes and had to blend in with an anti-Medicare background to avoid extinction at the hands of that species of Republican. In the past, the Gingrich has also been prey to the Alaskan Mamma Grizzly for marking the Grizzly as "unelectable." The Grizzly's quick political evolutionary reflex, adapting to take advantage of "twitter," left the Gingrich at the brink of extinction.
In addition to the reclassification, political scientists from the study note that it won't be long before the Gingrich becomes extinct. Once found in northern Georgia, the Gingrich hasn't been sighted there for years. Researchers concluded that the Gingrich migrated north to Virginia in the early 2000s and is currently found hunting for votes in Iowa.
"The Gingrich has always made do with votes scavenged from other Republicans, but this time may find itself crowed out by other subspecies like the Massachusetts White Romney, another slimy reptilian creature currently found in Iowa," says Professor Richard Karn at the University of Georgia. "The Gingrich will probably have trouble surviving in the today's political climate whether it is a newt or chameleon." In order for the Gingrich to survive, it must mate with other members of the political ecosystem and spawn endorsements to keep its campaign from dying out.
"That's become very difficult for the Gingrich because, while its ability to blend in with its surroundings protects its from its enemies, it also makes it extremely difficult for it to attract possible mates," Professor Karn added. Karn believes that the only hope for the Gingrich is to consume the votes left unclaimed by the elimination of Hucka-Bee (Anthophila Hucka) from Iowa. "Without any competition from conservative Hucka-Bees, the Gingrich may be able to carve out a niche and survive. Despite that, its odds remain grim. Even if it can survive the harsh winter primaries, it will likely succumb to the strength of the current dominant species, the Chicago Blackcat, which showed us earlier this month that it needs the assistance of only a handful of Seals to dispatch even the strongest prey."
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