11/02/2011 11:47 am ET Updated Jan 02, 2012

Things I'll Apparently Be Doing in Lieu of Watching the NBA This Fall/Winter/Spring

--Playing pickup basketball with creative flair, finally freed from the crippling shackles of performing solely for a contract
--Wondering if Diana Taurasi could beat Chris Quinn 1-on-1
--Perusing that blog with all the post-championship photos of Dirk wearing hilarious hipster glasses and hanging out with Brian Cardinal
--Hanging out with Brian Cardinal
--Not watching hockey
--Watching YouTube videos of Charles Oakley fouling the crap out of people
--Going to sleep before 2 a.m. thanks to the lack of inexplicably enthralling late-night TNT "Kenny's Pictures" segments
--Honestly missing the crap out of Ernie Johnson
--Clap pushups
--Spending considerably less time at the Beers of the World stand at the MSG, attempting to charm the beer ladies into giving me an extra pretzel stick with my $10.25 Grolsch
--Tracking down David Stern's backup guy who calls out the second-round picks at the draft, to get him to announce me and my buddies when we walk into bars
--Hugging David Stern's backup guy while wearing ill-fitting neon green suits and saying something European
--Reading Ulysses
--Watching more Pac-10 basketball than previously thought possible
--Realizing said conference is now called the Pac-12
--Watching hockey!
--Wondering how many times Jan Vesely would've dunked on Channing Frye by now
--Wondering if Jan Vesely's 9-foot-tall European girlfriend is single now that he doesn't get that contract
--Traveling to Canada to watch CBA games, before realizing "C" stands for "Continental," and they have a team in Albany
--Realizing the CBA has been "on hiatus" since 2009, ever since Isaiah Thomas bought it and immediately ran it into the ground
--Buying tarp, occupying the NBA league office
--Hoping to god James Harden still has his beard