11/05/2012 10:39 pm ET Updated Jan 05, 2013

A Guide to Technology Amidst an Apocalypse

  1. Upon hearing of a storm system's uncanny 90-degree kamikaze dogleg into the Northeastern seaboard, you will receive a flurry of concerned calls, texts, and emails. Most will be from your mom. Both the Nexus 4 and the engagingly-named HTC Windows Phone 8X feature intuitive "ignore" options, and screens large enough to show your friends the earnest messages while you mock the woman who gave you life.
  2. During the quiet that precedes Mother Nature's unadulterated fury, you and your friends will have a wonderful afternoon watching football on the perfectly crisp Panasonic TC-PST50. If you're looking for more excitement, 3D glasses can be used... or just wait, because in about an hour (spoiler alert) your heart will really get going when a large section of your apartment's "up to code" roof loudly slides off the building and flattens a 2011 Jeep Wrangler.
  3. The Philips 12.5-watt ambientLED is the best light bulb on the market, bar none. However, even the best of light bulbs require electricity, and you just lost it. At this point your guests will excuse themselves and thank you for your hospitality.
  4. Your Whirlpool WMC20005YW Countertop Microwave Oven straight-up is not going to work without power, so Easy Mac is no longer an option. Good call opting out of the supply excursion when your earnest girlfriend invited you.
  5. The Canon EOS 5D Mark III can capture up to six frames per second and is surely one of the best options to capture the cinematic inferno engulfing the power station three blocks from you.
  6. During times of crisis, many people attempt to call loved ones, but cellphone towers are not designed to work when submerged underwater, and you will find service spotty to nonexistent. On the upside, your iPhone 5's retina screen will work well as an ad-hoc source of illumination in place of the Maglite Pro LED Flashlight you left at your parent's house because "who needs a flashlight in a city, Mom?" and the candles you never bought despite your girlfriend's constant hints that she likes them.
  7. Under duress, staring at the screen saver of your Dell Latitude D630 may provide comfort. Specifically it will provide three hours and 23 minutes of comfort -- this model is not noted for its battery life.
  8. When hunger and the desire for human contact drives you to venture outdoors in flood conditions, be sure to place all electronics in waterproof containers. Uber is an exceptionally efficient app for hailing cabs; it will unfortunately prove unreliable during states of emergency.
  9. The decision between the new iPad and the newer iPad Mini, is a personal choice, though it is worth note that at just 0.68 lbs, the Mini will be a less effective weapon against the massive freak rats that have been forced out of the deepest sewers by rising water.
  10. An iPad loses its value on the street when the interested party points out that the screen is shattered. Smeared blood and clumps of rat hair do not help to seal the transaction.
  11. Due to your lack of response to texts she sent you from her Motorola Droid RAZR earlier, your girlfriend will be exponentially less likely to help, following your arrest. You are forced to acknowledge to the police that your iPad does appear fairly gruesome, but you have a totally legitimate explanation.
  12. Luckily, your mother, who happened to capture a video of one of the behemoth rodent-demons on her Samsung HMX-U20 pocket video camera, is also willing to cover bail.
  13. You will find peace and solace when sleeping in your childhood home, with the door cracked, and the hall light on thanks to the All Power 2000 Watt Portable Generator. Before retiring to her bed, your mother will assure you that both the bloodthirsty sewer rats and your recent breakup will ultimately make you a stronger person.