09/21/2010 11:43 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

Letter to Masturbating Opponent Christine O'Donnell

Dear Ms. O'Donnell,

I would like to give you a two-finger salute for bringing to the attention of our nation that masturbation is a sin. It seems like America is caught in a wicked hurricane and you're all alone paddling the pink canoe of morality.

Fifteen years ago, you bravely stated, "The Bible says that lust in your heart is committing adultery. You can't masturbate without lust." Amen! We need more people like you in Washington. Your religious conviction is so strong, you can beat the bishop at his own game. And your positive, perky energy and Osmondesque smile have caused a media frenzy which sends a message to Washington that politicians should say goodbye to Mr. Grumpy and say hello to Mr. Happy.

It's obvious you've become more in touch with yourself when you say that the statement you made in your twenties was when you were "very excited and passionate", and now your faith has matured. My favorite part was when you added that when you go to Washington you will base all your decisions on the Constitution. That's a good one! I bet you diddle with jokes like that at your staff meeting.

Of course, your crusade of self-discipline makes you an easy target. Most recently, your masturbation-loving critics claim that, in the past, you lived on campaign funds. Where do they get off saying this? They don't understand how easy it is for a politician to blow a wad of cash while wrestling the one-eyed monster of liberalism. But I have faith that you and your political team can overcome these accusations, squeeze off a load of brilliantly superficial TV ads and continue to bop down the campaign trail.

Ms. O'Donnell, your noble fight for principles is just beginning, and the Delaware primary was like polishing the helmet before going to war. Already, the country has watched you single-handedly take on your own Republican Party and go solo, which was a stroke of genius. You have taught us that when others won't play with you, sometimes you have to play with yourself. And you're willing to make the sacrifice, because as a former dabbler in witchcraft, you understand the importance of sacrifice when you killed the goat or choked the chicken.

The courage it took for you to take matters into your own hands will pay off someday when your work here on Earth is done and you go to Heaven and shake hands with Abe Lincoln. And it's that courage that stimulates us to throw away the handy shower massager and pick up a Christine O'Donnell campaign button. We'll be more irritable and highly bored, but, heck, that's the cost of being a lust-free, true American.