05/25/2010 12:06 pm ET Updated May 25, 2011

Not So Fast, Rand Paul!

Rand Paul, the son of Ron Paul, just won the Republican primary for the open Senate seat in Kentucky. This is irritating, and not just because Rand sounds like the name of a preppy bad guy James Spader would play in a John Hughes movie. In his victory speech, he said, "We have come to take our government back." Yeah, back to the 1950s. Well, I'm here to say that you can't have it back.

Let me be more specific:

You can't have the word "maverick" back. When the righties used it once, it flopped more than Kate Gosselin on Dancing with the Stars. The name "Maverick" belongs to Tom Cruise in Top Gun, not to McCain and Palin in Dumb and Dumber.

You can't have unlimited off-shore oil drilling back. In a single month, the GOP cries of "Drill, baby, drill!" have been replaced with the BP whispers of "Oops, shit, fuck!" Let's just say you'll never see alternative energy executives telling Congress why they can't stop windmills and solar panels from spreading across 2,500 square miles and killing everything in their path. Although, if BP made windmills and solar panels, it could happen.

And, no, you can't have waterboarding back. You guys went way too "Jack Bauer, Season Five" on our ass. Not only is waterboarding a torture technique that predates the Inquisition, it also violates the Geneva Convention, and the mere thought of it gives Glenn Beck an erection.

You can't have George W. Bush's "Mission Accomplished" sign back. Why not? Well, it's now being used by Rush Limbaugh at a Hometown Buffet. And next, it's headed to Arizona for their Deportation Center.

You can no longer define marriage solely as a union between a man and a woman. Same-sex unions are already legal in some states, and the right to marriage equality soon will be part of the Constitution due to the sheer numbers of the country's fastest-growing gay group: male Republican politicians.

You can't have the term "freedom fries" back. If you remember, French fries were renamed "freedom fries" by some conservatives after France expressed strong opposition to the invasion of Iraq. So, we got them back by using patriotism to get fatter. As the French would say, "Sacré bloat!"

You can't have Donald Rumsfeld's we-know-better, you'll-thank-us-later, cocky presence at press conferences back. You didn't know better, we haven't thanked you later, and, in fact, the press room still smells like Rumsfeld -- a unique blend of Old Spice and farts.

You can't have back your ultra-conservative utopia where only old, white men call the shots. Old, white men will have to settle for running Wall Street, the banks, the Catholic Church, 488 of the Fortune 500 companies and Hollywood.

And last, but certainly not least, you can't have the non-sexual meaning of "teabagger" back. The dirty definition was there first, and it's funny. So, don't get "testy", if you get my drift.

To quote Rand Paul about the BP Gulf oil spill, "Maybe sometimes accidents happen." No, Dr. Paul, accidents don't happen. Shit happens. Shit like a novice, discrimination-defending, "Meet the Press"-canceling, hair gel-abusing, Tea Party-backed candidate being nominated for a U.S. Senate seat. And, even if you do get your senatorial seat, there's no way we're going to give you "your" government back. We're still too busy fixing things from the last time your party crashed it.