08/13/2009 05:12 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

Theories as to Why Sarah Palin Quit

I was sitting in my pajamas at my desk and thinking, as writers do, about possible reasons why Governor Sarah Palin would quit her job to go in a "new direction." When you're a Governor with the goal of a national office, you don't throw in the towel. Sure, you may wear the towel in front of campaign staffers in your hotel room, but you don't just throw it in.

In an interview with CNN following her resignation announcement, Sarah Palin affirmed, "I'm certainly not a quitter, I'm a fighter." That's Maverick talk for "I'm, like, totally a quitter." Regarding her future, Palin said, "All options are on the table." This is just the kind of Palin response that gives John McCain a chubby. That's not sexist, because the same thing happens to McCain with Joe Lieberman.

Palin's surprise announcement, complete with atypically lopsided hair (a no-no in televised politics and beauty pageants), indicated that there's something more to this story than she's telling us. And because she's not telling us, then all we can do is guess. So, I armed myself with a pen, some paper and the number of my lawyer in case Ms. Palin's team wants to sue me, and came up with these theories:

  • She has a Latin lover in Argentina. Apparently, there is a Republican governor discount at hotels down there.
  • A staff member leaked her secret plan for Alaska to secede from the Earth.
  • Levi Johnston is threatening to write a damaging, tell-all half sentence.
  • She has had sexual relations with a man. Yes, she's female and it's her husband, but a Republican politician having sex with a man is unacceptable. It's in the Bible.
  • Moose herpes.
  • She was doctor shopping for sedatives like Michael Jackson, because it requires lots of sleep to look that good. Although, standing next to an 80-year-old turtle for 4 months didn't hurt.
  • Donald Trump was going to fire her for speaking out against gay marriage.
  • She's tired of Todd snickering when she says, "Lay more pipeline."

Again, these are just theories. If one of them happens to be true, it's only a coincidence, according to my attorney.

During her I'm-so-out-of-here speech, Governor Palin did try to explain her decision by using a basketball analogy, saying, "A good point guard drives through a full court press, protecting the ball, keeping her eye on the basket... and she knows exactly when to pass the ball so that the team can win." Here's another sports analogy the Governor may want to consider. According to Major League Baseball rules, "When a manager, player, coach or trainer is ejected from a game, he shall leave the field immediately and take no further part in that game."

Whatever Palin's real reasons are for quitting, it's time for her to hit the showers. So, she'll definitely need that towel again.