11/11/2006 11:41 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

Mom's New House Rules

White House, 2:03AM

After the media hoopla died down yesterday night, newly elected Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi, called for a private debriefing session. Journalists and media pundits were barred from attending, however our internal sources report that Congresswoman Pelosi brought her trademark flair for bipartisanship to the table. Below is a full transcript of the private debriefing session:

Alright boys and girls, everyone settle down. Cheney, stop playing around with your gun and come sit by me. We don't need you shooting another poor man in the face. Condi! Is that splooge on your face I see? Wipe that crap off and quit blowing Canadian politicians on the sly. Don't stonewall me young lady, I'm not the 9/11 Commission.

Everyone put on your listening ears and if you must speak, raise your hands and wait
your turn. Shh! Inside voices guys! That's muuuch better. Now, as you know, America
has elected me to be your new mom. This might be confusing for some of you. None of
us have ever had a Mommy in charge of the House before, only a Daddy. Mommies do
things a little differently from Daddies. So we have some new House rules to go over.
What's that, Rumsfeld? You're tired and you want to go home? Be patient, we just need
to go over these new....RUMSFELD! Did you just shit your pants again? Oh Jesus.
Fucking great. Everywhere you go, you leave a huge mess for everyone to clean up. Fine,
grab a Handiwipe and go home now Rumsfeld. Gates can help you with your homework


1. Don't be a bully

Even though you might be bigger and stronger than someone, it is not ok for you to push
them around. You have to learn to play nice with others. Especially the little brown
people with guns, like Iraqis or Colombians. You can pick on the English and the French
though, they've picked on every kid on the block for centuries.

2. Don't lie

If you did something wrong, say so. Don't tell the Big Reporter with the Microphone a
fib, just because you want to look good on TV. Be honest and tell the truth.That Foley
boy lied, and now whole world knows that he's a big fat homo. Daddy's even ashamed to
be seen with Little Foley in public. If Little Foley had just told the truth to begin with,
Mommy and Daddy would still have loved him. Well, at least Mommy would. Daddy's
an insensitive prick.

3. Flush after using the bathroom

America does a lot of dirty business in toilets like the Congo, Haiti, Pakistan, and Peru.
You don't want the whole world to smell a big stink, so flush after going to the bathroom.
If you don't know how to do this yet, ask Uncle Janjaweed and Aunt Bosnia to show you
how to ethnic cleanse.

4. Hold hands when crossing the street

There are really big, busy streets out there. Like the United Nations, the European Union,
and the World Bank. None of these streets are friendly streets right now, there are lots of
people who want to run you American kids over. So until Mommy apologizes to the
whole world and they want to be friends with America again, be sure to play nice with
your little foreign buddies, and remember to hold hands with them when crossing the

5. Show respect to your elders

Under Daddy's rules, you kids got away with things like using the Constitution to wipe
your butt and flicking boogers at the Democrats. Things won't be like that anymore. Little
Abramoff stole a bunch of money from our Native American friends, and Ken Lay fibbed
to corporate shareholders. Now that Mommy's in charge, you have to follow the rules or
you'll get a spanking. If you're really bad, you'll get an indictment.

6. Eat your vegetables

Ever wonder why your steaks, cigarettes, and gas are so inexpensive, kids? Because
Daddy was what we call "in bed" with Special Interest Groups, like cattle ranchers,
tobacco farmers, and Big Oil. These people gave Daddy's friends lots of campaign
money, and in return they got what we call "tax breaks." Tax breaks allowed Daddy's
friends to sell you all you could eat, smoke and drive, at artificially low prices. Now, if
you a small organic farmer, say, Daddy's friends didn't want to play with you. And
because they were giving Daddy lots of money, he couldn't play with you either. But
Mommy likes to play with organic farmers too, so you kids can now have all the non-
GNO vegetables you want.