11/06/2006 10:43 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

If Jerry Lee Lewis Ran The National Republican Campaign Committee

Get up off me, son. Get them lights outta my eyes. What, now? Well, count it down then. I'm from Ferriday, Louisiana and I don't give a damn. I buried Eddie Cochran and I'll bury you.

This is Jerry Lee Lewis for the National Republican Campaign Committee. You know, them damn ol' Democrats say they're good Americans, but I tell you what: I believe there ain't a one of them wouldn't give Osama the keys to the liquor cabinet and invite him in and tell him to put his big feet up on the davenport. I'll tell you another thing...

What? Boy, you better not interrupt me. Buddy Holly interrupted me one time. Didn't end up too good for him, did it? I ain't sayin' I sabotaged his plane. All I'm sayin' is, watch your back, Killer. Step aside now. Jerry Lee's gonna lay this thing down.

This is Jerry Lee Lewis for the National Republican Campaign Committee. You go ahead on and vote Democratic if you want to. Jerry Lee's just got one thing to say: You put the gavel in that Nancy Pelosi's hand on Tuesday, we'll all wake up talking Farsi on Wednesday. I ain't lyin'. I mean she'll literally do some kinda mass hypnosis and you'll wake up Wednesday talking that Allah Akbar mess. You see if I'm wrong. I don't give a--

Boy, I swear, you do that again you'll end up in a sorghum field like Hank Ballard. That's right, you never did hear about that. And you never will. Jerry Lee Lewis sticks you in a sorghum field, you stay stuck in a damn sorghum field. I'm from Ferriday, Louisiana, Killer. Now back up off me, son. I got about one left in me. Back up off me now.

Hello, this is Jerry Lee Lewis. I ain't sayin' a Democratic majority would be good for the terrorists, but I will say this.

{Pulls a crossword puzzle from his bag and begins filling it in. Several minutes pass.}

What? Boy, didn't your mama teach you never interrupt a man when he's working on a crossword? I just about flat had that 37 Across too. Now I gotta stop and think.

{Crosses legs, gazes at ceiling and hums "The Old Rugged Cross."}

What's that? Fine, I don't care. Go ahead and break the crew for lunch. I brought my own. I only eat food I prepare with my own hands. Bill Haley made me a tuna sandwich one time, I like to died. But I got back at that sumbitch. Yes I did. Heh. You ain't heard from Bill Haley lately, have you? I didn't think so. Heh. Try to poison Jerry Lee, now. See where that gets you. Heh.

Cross-posted from Minty Goodness.