05/11/2012 06:43 pm ET Updated Jul 11, 2012

America's No. 1 Environmentalist Subversive

Crossposted with TheGreenGrok. We all know environmentalists are un-American, right? But do you know who the first and worst of them was?

Environmentalists took over Hollywood and the media ages ago. And now, with those crazies in the White House, they've taken over our government. Next, they'll take control of corporate America and then you can kiss your big old, made-in-the-USA carbon footprint goodbye.

Somehow, those environmental commie socialists have got to be stopped. Look folks, environmentalists don't call the shots in China. Why can't we be more like them?

Speaking of footprints, thank the Good Lord, there's a movement afoot to nip environmentalism (and any flowers that get in our way) in the bud. The movement began with meek baby steps -- candidates seeking the highest office in the land railing against that most egregiously un-American federal agency of them all -- the Environmental Protection Agency, a k a EPA. A few candidates have actually had the courage to advocate doing away with the agency altogether.

Speaking Truth to Powerful Environmentalists

A start, but not exactly a rip-roaring example of speaking truth to power. But sometimes you need a few drips to start a flood. And finally those "do away with regs" drops have started to build into a deluge that will expose the true intentions of the environmental movement and stop it dead in its tracks. How so? Consider:

Exhibit A: This video (a fine example, if ever there was one, of the "most important art") telling it like it is. And just what is that it, that it is telling it like? Simple and to the point: Environmentalists hate America. Environmentalists want America the beautiful to fail.

What courage is encapsulated in a video such as this! A video that finally boldly stands up to environmentalists, one of the most powerful, influential and wealthy interests groups in the land. A group whose dastardly intention is to safeguard our amber waves of grain, our purple mountain majesties and our fruited plain!

And who are the courageous men and women behind this piece of dogged doggerel rugged reporting? Well, we don't actually know their names, but we do know the names of the two political action committees (a.k.a PACs), which sponsored the video: the Citizens for Lower Taxes and a Stronger Economy (see here and here) and Americans for Limited Government. Now I know these PACs are not technically men or women, but with Citizens United vs. the Federal Election Commission on the books, it's only a matter of time before PACs are declared people.

Exhibit B: And then there was a hard-hitting billboard campaign in Chicago. The ads, which were posted on a digital billboard for less than 24 hours, were the harebrained brainchild of a Chicago-based think tank, the Heartland Institute, which courageously and publicly decided to say what needed to be said: "most prominent advocates of global warming aren't scientists. They are murderers, tyrants and madmen."

This campaign was brilliant, a triumph of illogic and irrationality, Here's the reasoning. Some of the most evil, twisted people of our time -- people like Charles Manson, Ted Kaczynski, and Osama bin Laden -- apparently have accepted the science on global warming. (News to me.) It follows, therefore, that anyone else who accepts the science is as evil as those guys. Ergo, anyone who advocates on global warming is a murderer, a tyrant, or a madman (and we're not talking about the AMC ad folk on TV) -- or, what the heck, all three. I guess you could say the same thing about anyone who believes the Earth revolves about the Sun, but why go there?

So we've got your America-hating environmentalists and your murdering, tyrannical global warmists. Now we move on to the worst of them all...

Environmental Public Enemy No. 1 Revealed

Right here, right now at TheGreenGrok, we are going to souse this building flood of speaking truth to power into a veritable tsunami, metaphorically speaking, of course. Right here, we will reveal for the first time, I believe, the person responsible for starting the whole pinko, green, anti-American environmental nonsense.

But first, how did this person earn such creds?
  1. He advocated for an energy derived from a source that's touted as renewable but it turns out isn't really. Why would this environmental subversive advocate for such a thing? Isn't it obvious by now? It's a plot to get Americans dependent on something that will eventually peter out, leaving us without energy.

  2. He promoted an energy source that is most definitely not "Made in America." And herein lies yet another plot, this one to make us dependent on yet another foreign, some might even say extraterrestrial source of energy.

And what is this non-American source? It's the sun!

But isn't the sun renewable? Not by a long shot. Any physicist will tell you that the sun will burn itself out in... five billion years. (It's in its middle age now.) So sure, it may seem renewable now. But what about that generation five billion years down the road? Shouldn't we be thinking about them, our children, I mean, our children's children, or rather, our children's children's children -- you get the idea.

And as for un-American: Can you think of anything more alien than massless photons from outer space? Sure, it provides deserts in a mere six hours more energy than humankind consumes in a year. But come on, it makes no use of good old American activities like deep drilling, endomorphic extraction, and pumping through a pipeline. Bottom line: We don't need no stinking photons powering our country.

Who's at the bottom of this near-satanic plot to turn our country into a bunch of pagan, sun-energy worshipers? Thomas Alva Edison, our most patented inventor, our own homegrown-in-Michigan-by-way-of-Ohio Leonardo da Vinci, our there-wouldn't-be-a-Steve-Jobs-without-him, nineteenth-century techno Wizard of Menlo Park. And what was his subversive idea?

Allow me to quote him: "I'd put my money on the sun and solar energy. What a source of power! I hope we don't have to wait until oil and coal run out before we tackle that."

The Answer to Edison's Plot

Thomas Edison has damaged our country, but it's not a lost cause. Here's what needs to be done.

First, we must expunge Edison from the history books. We've already denied there's global warming. How hard would it be to also deny that Edison ever lived? 

Next, let's commit right here and now to stop using all of his ridiculous inventions. Turn off those lights, power down that computer and shut off the TV, and toss your phone and iPod.

Finally, we should make sure there's not another young Thomas Edison growing up in our midst by ending all instruction in science and math in our schools. That should be easy. Given the math and science scores of our kids today, we're already practically there.

We can do this, fellow Americans. I firmly believe that our most polluted best days are yet to come. Have a good weekend, y'all.