I'm not interested in sharing a moment in time with you. I don't even know you.
I don't care about the Olympics. It's like watching gym.
Off the top of my head, I can only think of one thing more insipid than the Olympics and that's the Winter Olympics.
First you take the Olympics -- people you don't know, doing gym -- and then change the events to winter sports, the kind only rich white preppie assholes do, because they require lots of expensive equipment and lift tickets. Presto: You've taken the merely tedious and -- through sheer force of will, and the power of the human spirit -- you've made it insufferable. You've turned Baywatch into Baywatch Nights.
You've taken the single bright spot of the summer games -- healthy, strapping, broad-shouldered, corn-fed young women in swimwear -- and put them in snowsuits.
"Whoa, check out the goggles on her! She can really fill out a helmet!"
Of course, this doesn't apply to figure skating, a sport that illustrates the timeless beauty of half-naked young women and fully clothed gay guys.
One last thought about winter sports: I'm also not sure you're really an athlete if you get most of your speed from gravity.
New Rule: "It turns out there's never a good time to take off three months and get drunk. Why is it why when I go on hiatus all the important stories break?" Watch the video:
The new season of Real Time with Bill Maher premieres this Friday, February 17, at 11 pm on HBO.