07/07/2014 03:26 pm ET Updated Sep 02, 2014

America Is Number One, Always

by PatriotLover_USA

Let me start off by saying that I don't really care for numbers. Never have. But there's one number that I know in my heart to be true: that America is number one. And you can tell I care about that because I used the word "one" twice in that last sentence to help get across how much I know that America is number one.

For anyone that knows me, they know that using numbers is a big deal for me. But I'll do it now because America is the best.

And since we just celebrated our birthday last week (I don't even know how old we are. Two million? Seventeen? I honestly have no clue and don't care. It's just a number.) I thought I'd show you why we're the best in everything that we do and how there is no disputing this fact. From my gut to what I choose to read on the Internet, this sentiment remains unchanged. And it always will remain unchanged.

Now I'm sure all of you haters will say things like, "Well then how do you explain that America's 15-year-olds are ranked 29th in the world in math and science?"

How about you shut up? You using numbers and data and other quantitative and quantifiable things doesn't change shit in my book. You're going to use math and science as a way to show that we're not number one? Math and science? To prove a fact? No thanks.

And some other libtard is probably going to say something like, "How do your beliefs hold up when the World Bank is reporting that China may overtake the US as the world's largest economy this year?"

You're going to use the World Bank as a credible source? The World Bank is garbage. Last time I checked, the World Bank is run by a Korean dude. And no I don't care that he's lived in the US since he's been a little kid and is a naturalized American citizen. He's still Korean. And Korea is, I think, super close to China, geographically-speaking.

Anyways, beyond that very evident lapse in judgement - and that you used italics in your question - you're talking about something that hasn't even happened yet. Yeah, so this "report" says that this "may" happen this year, which "may" cause a seismic shift in the international pecking order, which "may" cause me to fall fucking asleep as I typ....

Seriously, don't bother me with things that "may" happen in the future. America is number one for a reason - for fucking up other countries when they threaten our interests of being the best. Oh, and I also forgot to mention that you're talking about the economy, which I think has to do with numbers, which I told you up front doesn't mean shit to me.

Finally, for you idiots who will probably say something like, "But what about the claims that, at least in terms of obesity, America is the least healthy country in the world?"

This one's easy. You say we're the least healthy, I say we're number one in obesity.

And damn proud of it.

Now I know I said earlier that I don't care much for numbers, but I may have been fudging the truth a little. You see, I've been tinkering around a bit in my spare time (I've been unemployed for 17 months) and came up with an equation that proves that we're the best. And I'm debuting the theorem here:

America = 1

Feel free to discuss it and try to rip it apart in your peer-reviewed, bullshit-laden, academic journals. But no matter what you say, or if you claim to "prove" it wrong, just know one thing:

It will always be right to me.